End of Semester Final

This one goes out to the lifeless wonder who called me at 1.00 this morning to ask if I was ever going to blog again.

I last blogged on Sunday... and actually, by the time I finished it, it was Monday morning. Leave me alone!

Question 1
I'm a college student. If it's 1.00am: I'm...
A) drunk
B) doing homework
C) talking a friend through their day
D) in bed

Hint: the correct answer will tell you it is no time for me to blog.

Question 2
You're calling me at 1.00am, and you're not my girlfriend.
A) someone just died
B) you need a ride home from the bar
C) you've drunk-dialed me
D) you're not getting any from your significant other

Hint #1: the person who called me was not drunk.
Hint #2: unless its family, death notices can wait 'til morning.

Question 3
I'm a college student. It's late November. I'm...
A) getting ready for finals
B) worn out from the semester
C) buried in assignments
D) really wanting to hear your entire family history

Hint: As in Question 2, you are not my girlfriend... D is not the answer.

Question 4
A vicious rumor leaves point A and travels 24 pages on an internet message board. The evidence that the rumor is false leaves point B and travels 17 posts before being being shot down by confused persons. The two points of origin are 8 sections apart. At what point does the human head explode?
A) when the rumor starts
B) when the the truth is buried
C) when the admin shuts down the message board
D) all of the above

Hint: someone is being childish.

Question 5
The next time I will blog is...
A) later today
B) maybe tomorrow
C) possibly never
D) whenever I fucking feel like it

Hint: get at least one question right, answer D.

How did you do? The test is worth 1000 points, making up 100% of your final grade. Those of you who cheated will fail, and your academic dishonesty will be reviewed by the university.

Hint: Andrea, I saw you looking over Moose's shoulder.

Hand your tests to the right, they will be grade whenever I get a chance, and the grades will be posted accordingly, unless of course, I forget to. If I forget to post your grade the registrar will mark your grade as incomplete, and eventually withdrawn, rendering any grade you might have received useless. Your phone calls will no longer be answered, and I will feed you a line of bullshit about how I will post your grade so that you may receive credit for this course.

Hint: It's been a fucking year... I'm still waiting for that grade, Dr. Allen.

Back to School for You!

OK, I've seen bad driving before. I grew up in Illinois. We're surrounded by bad drivers. Idoits from Iowa, Indiana, Missouri, and Wisconsin.

Of course, they all think Illinois drivers are the worst. (Exhibit A: my mother.)

And I know I harp on Nebraska drivers often. I think they are the worst of the group. You know. Red Lights mean Go Big Red (stop if you want to). Turn signals don't exist. Moves that would make NAPCAR drivers proud. It makes you wonder why driver's ed is not mandatory in Nebraska. Seriously, maybe it should be.

But nothing could prepare me for what I was about to encounter on the way home from Illinois today.

I'm hoping it was more of a case of the drivers being out of the element. It was wet. There was a bit more traffic than usual. But still, this was just out of hand.

Driver 1: Red sports car from Nebraska.
From the Land of Bad Drivers, this guy was just waiting to kill someone, or die trying. I'm sure you're a outdoorsman (in your sportscar)-- but I don't think cars are in season. After whizzing by me at more than 80 MPH, this guy attempted to squeeze his way alopng side a semi. Fortuantely, the semi saw him, and the driver of the sports car backed off. I thought I was about to see the world end before my eyes-- and I would've been collected in it.

OK, tragedy avoided, but then this guy totally lost his mind. I'm sure he was a little shaken after seeing his life flash before his eyes, but he has to remember where he is. Hey buddy, you're still on the interstate... you're still in the left lane... and you're only doing 60 MPH (in a 70 MPH zone).

Now he doesn't know whether to shit or go blind. He's pacing the truck, but what's worse is the two pickups behind me, who don't know what just went down, and are probably hard on the brakes to avoid me. Nevermind the fact, I'm picking up the rooster tails from both the sports car, and the semi. I can't back off, I've got a pickup behind me, and if you think I'm slowing down to 50 in a 70, you're nuts. I'm pretty much screwed.

Message to the guy in the sports car: OK, I'm sure you just shit your pants, but you can't do anything about it until you get to a rest area. Keep moving. You've got to do something with your car. If you want to drive 60, get in the right lane, and let us go past.

Driver 2: Red sports car from Illinois
Not nearly as exciting as the guy from Nebraska, but still, needs to learn how to opperate suck a nice vehicle. This guy, can't decide how fast he wants to go. I was hoping this was jsut a case of a guy who, like me, was used to his cruise control. He can't find a consistent speed.

Not normally a problem if you're ranging from 70-75 MPH. But this guy would pass me at 85, and I would pass him back at 70. You see the problem. And he won't leave the left lane.

Listen man, if you're gonna pass me, and don't want to be behind me-- drive. Then get out of the left lane, you don't own that lane. This is not a race, I should not be passing on the right. And when I'm behind you to pass, if you can't maitain a consistent speed, neither can I. Now you fucking with my gas milage. I'm sure you've got all the money in the world-- we know, you have a nice car-- but I'm a college student, and I'm not interested in buy gas at two dollars a gallon any more than I must. Get out of the way!

And finally, my personal favourite...Driver 3: Gold family sedan from Iowa
You, sir, are the reason for every joke ever made about Iowa drivers. (Old 80s joke: What do you get for failing your Iowa drivers test? Blue plates. IOWA: Idiots Out Wandering Around. IOWA: In Omaha Without Authority. Can anyone explain to me why Iowa has a Welcome Center in Newton? It's the middle of the fucking state! I've been in the god-forsaken hellhole for 2 hours, and you're just NOW welcoming me?)

He announced his presence with authority. He comes from the entrance ramp, all the way over to the left lane-- which was occupied by me. I also announced my presence with authority-- a gesture here, a harsh word there, and oh yeah, one loud car horn.

But I have to give this guy credit. He did manage to flash his turn signal once before his right wheels crossed the white line into the lane I'm in.

Then, he slows down. What? You couldn't have done that behind me? There's nobody there! You were in such a goddamn hurry to get into this lane, now you want to drive 60. Next time, hang around in the right lane long enough to notice the new speed limit for this road.

Mercifly, he gets around the semi. He then proceeds to cutoff said semi. But that's not the best part. Upon hearing the horn of the truck, he pretty much goes braindead. He's stops everything he's doing. He's riding the white line, and now he's riding his brakes.

Hey there stud, the white line is not a lane in itself-- the options are not pavement, paint, pavement-- its just a marker for the actual lanes. Pick one, please.

He did. Nine miles later. And then he has the nerve to look at me, and throw his hands up in the air when I pass him. Dude, you're the moron who pissed everyone off, don't act you know what you're doing. We know you don't have a clue. It's implied by the Iowa plates on your car. (I'd suggest that all Iowa licence plates come marked as handicapped... but that's an unsult to the less fortuante people of this world, and a stereotype I don't want to leave for anyone else.)

I just have to ask, what has the world come to. Many people have gotten themselves in such a goddamn hurry, they don't care who they piss off as long as they aren't inconvenienced. Then you have the others who find it to be their job to keep speeds down.

This is a dangerous mix. I'm not the world's greatest driver, but if you will permit me, I'd like to post a few reminders or suggestions for driving.

1. The left lane is for passing, not cruising. If you are not over taking a car, get in the right lane. Left lane hogs cause traffic jams, because slower traffic keeps right. When slower traffic goes to the left, now the faster traffic has nowhere to go.

2. Find a consistent speed. If you have cruise control, USE IT! Its a driving aid. Here's how this works. If you drive 65, and you are in the right lane, and I am driving 70 and in the right lane, I move to the left lane to pass you. And if the guy behind me is going 80, I have decide before I get out of the right lane if I am going to impede him before I can pass you. Maybe it is best that I allow him to pass you first, I back out of the throttle, let him by, regain my speed, and pass you. No harm done. I can slow to your speed in the right lane without fucking everybody else over. But that guy going 80 slows to 65 in the left lane, everyone behind him is screwed.

3. Open your ears. Car horns were intended to be heard. If you have a pickup truck with a "quiet cab" you are automatically an arogant asshole. You need to be able to hear what is going on outside of your car-- it helps you to know what is going on. It also helps to turn down the radio, and take the cell phone out of your ear. Is your music or phone call so important that others need to die?

4. Most of all, be courteous. It only takes an extra second to be polite. And unless a passenger in your car is having a heart attack, that one second means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Take a look in the rearview mirror. Who are you, what are you doing, and who did you just cut off? Have we forgotten what we've been taught? Or did you just never learn in the first place?

The Philosophy of Sam: Part IV

Men have been around on the planet long enough to learn one thing about women-- They don't know a damn thing about women.

Do I Look that Dumb?

No, really. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

Apparently people are paying attention to the way I look now. I'm sorry. I didn't realize my appearance meant that much to you. But it's nice to know I'm turning some heads. Though, maybe you should pay more attention.

I know it's not often that I wear perscription glasses. (I say perscription because I am frequently seen with sunglasses on-- daytime, nighttime, indoors, outdoors.) But I guess people are starting to look me in the eye or something.

The past couple of days, I have been sporting my reading glasses, and a couple of people have commented that I looked "smarter" with them on.

Thanks, I think.

Are you trying to tell me I'm dumb? Maybe I should remind one of the commenters that I kicked his ass at 'Scene It', and have yet to embarrass myself on trivia nights.

Four words for you buddy: "The Grapes of Wrath". (Those at trivia night know what I mean. Joel, help 'em out.)

You know, it's not easy for a student-athlete to rid themselves of the "dumb jock" lable... but maybe I should remind people that I wasn't much of a student-athlete-- Jole likes to refer to my blog as "Sam's View from the End of the Bench". So obviously, I've never relied on my hockey playing abilities to get me anwhere in life. It would have been nice if I was good enough to earn a scholarship somewhere, but that didn't happen, and I am content having been a walk-on. (Though I did have one scholarship offer-- as much of a farce as it may have been.)

OK, so I was not in the top 50% of my graduating class. I went to a parochial school, those numbers are skewd. I mean, I was 48th percentile... and that was with a 3.1 GPA. I don't mean to brag, but in the interest of clarifying-- I'm currently carrying a 3.3 GPA in college. I'd qualify to graduate with honours (if I don't bomb the next two semesters). And the last time I took an IQ test, I scored a 164. That's high genius range, and that was like 5 years ago. And I was always labled with "the smart kids" in grade school.

Don't think of me as dumb. I am not a dumb jock. Remember: crazy, not stupid.

I know I don't wear my glasses very often. Usually, I only wear them when I've taken a knock to the head, or I'm just worn out or tired-- I've been wearing them a lot recently. Every once in a while I wear them just for a different look. But it seems like some kind of a coup when I do.

Thanks for noticing.

You might have to get used to it. Anybody remember Johnny Onthespot from "Spoofed News"? Aha! I was wearing glasses, wasn't I? Why? Because in case you haven't noticed, I have very deep, dark eyes. The cameras don't like my eyes (or my face). My eyes caused a lighting problem (shadows), so to correct it, I wore glasses. I suspect if I get into broadcast news after I graduate, the glasses may become more of a permanent fixture-- unless there is a great make-up artist where I work.

I said make-up artist, not MAKE OUT artist.

Of course, it could be worse. Do I need to post Adam's yearbook picture from his freshman year of high school? Or should I just post a link to where you can find it?

I'd rather be smart, than look it. I mean, obviously there are some people who think I look good with glasses, and others who like me without. There may even be a few who are indiffrent to it. Doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter to me how I look-- it's not like I have to look at myself.

Who's dumb now?

They're the Kids in America

Has anybody else noticed the moral decay in our children? Seriously, what the hell is going on?

I was working a high school football game this weekend as part of a TV crew. And I get run into by a 12 year old girl. Normally not a problem, except she looked like a french whore. I swear, when she ran into me, there was this huge puff of makeup in the air. Later, I hear the same kids running around... and the same kids yells at her friend 'Don't touch my thong!' Whoa. Who lets their preteen daughter leave the house like that? I'm beginning to reconsider my stance that all girls should be locked in a dungeon until they are 18. I know many fathers who would support this idea.

It gets worse than that. I'm witnessing co-workers, many who are in their 40s and some in their 50s talking about the girls behind the counter at the ice rink. Dude, you're old enough to be her father. And I'm beginning to wonder if they are child molestors. Geez. It is so wrong, but I guess if they girls are that starved for attention, the penalty is to have some creepy 40+ year old staring at her, drooling.

It does go beyond how they dress. It's how they act, too. I don't need to walk out of a movie theatre to witness some 14 year-old making out with her boyfriend. Public displays of affection are a problem. I'm not saying they are better in private, but kids should not be participating in such acts.

And then there is the language. Now, I work with kids-- I'm a youth hockey referee, and I'm a skating instructor. I also remember what it is like to be a kid. I may be balding, but I'm still only 6 years removed from high school. And times have not changed THAT much in 6 years. That is, unless I miseed some radical movement or government mandate while I was living in Canada... but I think that would have made the news up there, too.

USA Hockey has a zero tolerance policy about language. It is not strictly enforced. I also don't think it should be. It's a good idea, a utopian idea, if you will... but then again, so is Communism.

How I interpret the rule is simple. You're not going to stop high school kids from swearing. It has become commonplace in our language. But you can ask them to harness it. I let the high schoolers slide with it. Bantams, I can understand the slip of a tongue, but if they repeat it, we've got a problem. Younger than that... it is zero tolerance. I've given misconducts to 10 year olds for telling me a call was "bullshit". My rationale? I don't appreciate it from a high schooler, I'm certainly not going to take it from a 10-year old.

Coaches, get no slack from me. They are to be setting an example for their players and their fans. They are zero tolerance, no questions about it. They might get the courtesy of "I think I heard it, but I'm not sure, so don't let it happen again". But if I hear it again, I don't even have to think about it. You're done.

And like the coaches, I give the parents no slack. OK, I was raised in a strict house. Some kids weren't. But I fault parents for not having the control over their kids to keep them in line. We, as adults, need to lead by example. We need to stop talking about sex in front of our kids, we need to stop swearing at our kids. We need to show control to maintain control.

Don't bitch about how the kids are ruining this country until you have done everything you can to prevent such a decay.

Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off

So I've been a little down this week. I think its understandable. But I can't be like this too long. The world doesn't stop just because somebody's physical presence ceases to be.

It is times like these when you find out who your real friends are. This week, specifically it has been Andrea, Amanada, Janelle, Renee, and Tim... not to mention my soccer team (Tanya, Beth, Gary, Laura, and Ali). You guys have been there, kept my mind where it has needed to be. And some of you have kept my spirits up.

But if you needed a sign that I am feeling better, that I am up off the floor. You should ask the friend I just talked to. I know that just because I am down, doesn't mean that nobody else is permitted to be the same. But apparently, I have kept her smiling the past couple days. And I did it with my typical, sarcastic, radical, yet somehow rational zingers.

Who cares if your exboyfriend keys your car. The police will give him all the attention he deserves. Cars can be replaced. The time he spends in jail, can't.

If you feel you have writers block-- write an email to your professor. Remember, grammar and spelling count. Use good sentence structure, and details. Charts and graphs fill up space, and draw the attention away from your writing mistakes. Don't forget to cite your sources. Then turn it in as your paper.

A friend told me he thought someone was hot. I told him he shouldn't tell her that-- never use temperature to describe a woman. Women get offended when you compare them them to pieces of meat.

I think I'm getting better... what do you think?

If You Will Pardon Me For a Moment...

Unfortuantely, I can not find it in myself to post my usual radical views on the world. I think you all will understand.

About 8.30 this evening I got a phone call from my friend, Jill. I know I've blogged about her before, so for those references, please fell free to search through my previous entries. It's pretty obvious how much she means to me.

I could tell something wasn't right. If I only I knew. She had just gotten off the phone with her mother. Yes, THAT phone call from her mother. Her father passed away.

About a year ago, Dave was diagnosed with lung cancer. After a fierce battle, and several rounds fo chemotherapy, the cancer went into remission. But the fight took a lot out of Dave, and whike he was getting stonger every day, he never fully recovered.

I knew Dave before I met Jill. In fact, I was attempting to contact Dave when I met her. Dave and I were involved in several fantasy sport leagues together. And we got to be really good friends. And from that, Jill and I got to be really good friends.

I don't think I can really explain how close Dave and I actually were-- and I'm not sure Jill really knew how far beyond fantasy sports it carried. But there are a few moments that defined our friendship.

Dave was like a father to me. You know those things you really can't talk to your own parents about? He was the guy I turned to. And he was always willing to give advice, or say something to cheer me up (two things his daughter is also able to do).

During my second year in juniors, I was living in Cincinnati-- which about 2 hours from Tell City, Indiana, where they live. And he told me, if I ever needed anything... if I ever got into trouble... to call him-- even if it meant bailing me out of jail. It made me feel more at home in Cincinnati, knowing someone who really cared was nearby. I'm sure my billets would have helped anyway possible. But when someone says they would bail you out of jail (not like I've ever done anything where it would be necessary), you take notice.

But my strongest, and most favourite memory of Dave involves Jill as well. Both had been planning on coming to Cincinnati to watch me play hockey while I was there. Unfortunately, I was only there for a couple weeks, before I was sent to Winnipeg on a loan. So, it never happened. But sometime after, and it may have been after I left juniors, I had a nice conversation with him... and he knew how I felt about his daughter-- it wasn't exactly a secret. Yet his words to me are one's I'll never forget. "Someday, I hope to have you as a son-in-law." Considering I wasn't even dating his daughter, I was in shock. But he made me feel good, to know that I must be doing something right, that someone thinks I am acceptable to date or even marry his daughter.

God bless you, Dave. And God bless your family.

Someone Out There Cares

Haha, you've all been sold out by a single person.

For a while I've been wondering who I've pissed off, who I've alienated, and who is no longer tlaking to me because of something I have said in this blog.

But then, I got an instant message from someone who absolutely loves my radical views-- or at least the comic value therein. Apparently, my angush makes her feel better about herself, or something. Whatever it was, she was glad to tell her friends about it last night.

I guess this makes it like my first season in junior hockey... I'm bouncing around form team to team, living in a hotel in Winnipeg, and my mother (yes, the roadrager, herself) was telling me to give it up, and come back to school. But there was this one voice who kept telling me she knew I could do it. That one voice was all I needed to keep going, and she carried me through.

I have a similar story for my second year of juniors. Different friend, same result.

Never underestimate the power of friends in your life.

So, as I continue to soil the internet with my vast spewings on meaningless banter, you now know there is another person to blame.

Someone call Al Gore, and tell him just what has become of his invention. I'm sure he'll be glad to know what has become of it.

And so for now... I leave you to the misery that is reading my ill-conceived, 'what the hell were you thinking', 'how much alcohol have you had tonight', 'did your one working brain cell finally give out', 'why do you hate America', 'who is Tarzan now', 'do you honestly believe what you say', socialist/communist, heretical rantings.

Why? Because somebody out there likes it.






Happy Birthday, Andrea. And your cell phone battery is low!

Why? Because You've Asked for It

I really don't like to copy things done on other people's blogs. But some of you have taken it upon yourselves to call me out on this. Fine. Here. You asked for it.

2 names you go by
1. Sam
2. Crash

2 parts of your heritage
1. German
2. Swedish

2 things that scare you
1. my mother's driving
2. snakes

2 of your everyday essentials
1. milk
2. 8 hours of sleep

2 things you are wearing right now
1. blue jeans
2. button-down shirt (unbuttoned, of course)

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment)
1. John Mellencamp
2. U2

2 of your favorite songs (at the moment)
1. 54-40, "Casual Viewin'"
2. Liquido, "What You Keep Inside"

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love)
1. understanding
2. intellectual debate

2 truths
1. I was eligible to vote in 2000, but didn't
2. I really do have Canadian roots

2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex)
1. eyes
2. intelligence

2 of your favorite hobbies
1. video games
2. photography (it's new to me, but I love it)

2 things you want really badly
1. to have a job when I graduate from college
2. my friends to be happy

2 places you want to go on vacation
1. Vancouver, BC
2. London

2 things you want to do before you die
1. visit every MLB ballpark
2. graduate college

2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude/chick
1. anything I say could be seen in a sexual context
2. I don't know a thing about women

2 things you are thinking about now
1. this country could be a lot worse off than it is right now
2. this is almost torture for me to complete, and for you to read

2 stores you shop at
1. Kohls
2. Borders

2 people i would like to see take this quiz
1. Nina
2. Amanda

There you have it. If you've had half the fun reading this that I had writing it... then I've had twice as much fun writing this as you've had reading it.