Back to School for You!

OK, I've seen bad driving before. I grew up in Illinois. We're surrounded by bad drivers. Idoits from Iowa, Indiana, Missouri, and Wisconsin.

Of course, they all think Illinois drivers are the worst. (Exhibit A: my mother.)

And I know I harp on Nebraska drivers often. I think they are the worst of the group. You know. Red Lights mean Go Big Red (stop if you want to). Turn signals don't exist. Moves that would make NAPCAR drivers proud. It makes you wonder why driver's ed is not mandatory in Nebraska. Seriously, maybe it should be.

But nothing could prepare me for what I was about to encounter on the way home from Illinois today.

I'm hoping it was more of a case of the drivers being out of the element. It was wet. There was a bit more traffic than usual. But still, this was just out of hand.

Driver 1: Red sports car from Nebraska.
From the Land of Bad Drivers, this guy was just waiting to kill someone, or die trying. I'm sure you're a outdoorsman (in your sportscar)-- but I don't think cars are in season. After whizzing by me at more than 80 MPH, this guy attempted to squeeze his way alopng side a semi. Fortuantely, the semi saw him, and the driver of the sports car backed off. I thought I was about to see the world end before my eyes-- and I would've been collected in it.

OK, tragedy avoided, but then this guy totally lost his mind. I'm sure he was a little shaken after seeing his life flash before his eyes, but he has to remember where he is. Hey buddy, you're still on the interstate... you're still in the left lane... and you're only doing 60 MPH (in a 70 MPH zone).

Now he doesn't know whether to shit or go blind. He's pacing the truck, but what's worse is the two pickups behind me, who don't know what just went down, and are probably hard on the brakes to avoid me. Nevermind the fact, I'm picking up the rooster tails from both the sports car, and the semi. I can't back off, I've got a pickup behind me, and if you think I'm slowing down to 50 in a 70, you're nuts. I'm pretty much screwed.

Message to the guy in the sports car: OK, I'm sure you just shit your pants, but you can't do anything about it until you get to a rest area. Keep moving. You've got to do something with your car. If you want to drive 60, get in the right lane, and let us go past.

Driver 2: Red sports car from Illinois
Not nearly as exciting as the guy from Nebraska, but still, needs to learn how to opperate suck a nice vehicle. This guy, can't decide how fast he wants to go. I was hoping this was jsut a case of a guy who, like me, was used to his cruise control. He can't find a consistent speed.

Not normally a problem if you're ranging from 70-75 MPH. But this guy would pass me at 85, and I would pass him back at 70. You see the problem. And he won't leave the left lane.

Listen man, if you're gonna pass me, and don't want to be behind me-- drive. Then get out of the left lane, you don't own that lane. This is not a race, I should not be passing on the right. And when I'm behind you to pass, if you can't maitain a consistent speed, neither can I. Now you fucking with my gas milage. I'm sure you've got all the money in the world-- we know, you have a nice car-- but I'm a college student, and I'm not interested in buy gas at two dollars a gallon any more than I must. Get out of the way!

And finally, my personal favourite...Driver 3: Gold family sedan from Iowa
You, sir, are the reason for every joke ever made about Iowa drivers. (Old 80s joke: What do you get for failing your Iowa drivers test? Blue plates. IOWA: Idiots Out Wandering Around. IOWA: In Omaha Without Authority. Can anyone explain to me why Iowa has a Welcome Center in Newton? It's the middle of the fucking state! I've been in the god-forsaken hellhole for 2 hours, and you're just NOW welcoming me?)

He announced his presence with authority. He comes from the entrance ramp, all the way over to the left lane-- which was occupied by me. I also announced my presence with authority-- a gesture here, a harsh word there, and oh yeah, one loud car horn.

But I have to give this guy credit. He did manage to flash his turn signal once before his right wheels crossed the white line into the lane I'm in.

Then, he slows down. What? You couldn't have done that behind me? There's nobody there! You were in such a goddamn hurry to get into this lane, now you want to drive 60. Next time, hang around in the right lane long enough to notice the new speed limit for this road.

Mercifly, he gets around the semi. He then proceeds to cutoff said semi. But that's not the best part. Upon hearing the horn of the truck, he pretty much goes braindead. He's stops everything he's doing. He's riding the white line, and now he's riding his brakes.

Hey there stud, the white line is not a lane in itself-- the options are not pavement, paint, pavement-- its just a marker for the actual lanes. Pick one, please.

He did. Nine miles later. And then he has the nerve to look at me, and throw his hands up in the air when I pass him. Dude, you're the moron who pissed everyone off, don't act you know what you're doing. We know you don't have a clue. It's implied by the Iowa plates on your car. (I'd suggest that all Iowa licence plates come marked as handicapped... but that's an unsult to the less fortuante people of this world, and a stereotype I don't want to leave for anyone else.)

I just have to ask, what has the world come to. Many people have gotten themselves in such a goddamn hurry, they don't care who they piss off as long as they aren't inconvenienced. Then you have the others who find it to be their job to keep speeds down.

This is a dangerous mix. I'm not the world's greatest driver, but if you will permit me, I'd like to post a few reminders or suggestions for driving.

1. The left lane is for passing, not cruising. If you are not over taking a car, get in the right lane. Left lane hogs cause traffic jams, because slower traffic keeps right. When slower traffic goes to the left, now the faster traffic has nowhere to go.

2. Find a consistent speed. If you have cruise control, USE IT! Its a driving aid. Here's how this works. If you drive 65, and you are in the right lane, and I am driving 70 and in the right lane, I move to the left lane to pass you. And if the guy behind me is going 80, I have decide before I get out of the right lane if I am going to impede him before I can pass you. Maybe it is best that I allow him to pass you first, I back out of the throttle, let him by, regain my speed, and pass you. No harm done. I can slow to your speed in the right lane without fucking everybody else over. But that guy going 80 slows to 65 in the left lane, everyone behind him is screwed.

3. Open your ears. Car horns were intended to be heard. If you have a pickup truck with a "quiet cab" you are automatically an arogant asshole. You need to be able to hear what is going on outside of your car-- it helps you to know what is going on. It also helps to turn down the radio, and take the cell phone out of your ear. Is your music or phone call so important that others need to die?

4. Most of all, be courteous. It only takes an extra second to be polite. And unless a passenger in your car is having a heart attack, that one second means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Take a look in the rearview mirror. Who are you, what are you doing, and who did you just cut off? Have we forgotten what we've been taught? Or did you just never learn in the first place?