Once Again, From the State of Confusion

I'm still waiting for someone to wake me up, and tell me it was only a dream. Really, this is like one of those dreams where nothing makes sense-- can I just hope that this is all a dream... kinda like the storyline of St. Elsewhere?

I know that no matter where you go there are insanely stupid laws, but for some reason Omaha, and the State of Nebraska in general, seem to be saturated with them. Maybe they're attempting to have depth in something, because the genepool sure is shallow... or maybe this is a result of a genepool as deep as the sandbar the natives call the Platte River.

But in the past 2 days I have learned of 3 laws that either make you scratch your head, or that the enforcement of makes you believe that there is not much to do around here.

Did you know... that you can be cited by the Omaha Police Department for chewing gum while walking within citing limits?

Perhaps, we should be amazed that some people are able to walk and chew gum at the same time. But seriously, when did Omaha become a part of Singapore?

Did you know... that when the city-wide smoking ban goes into effect next month, that if you witness anyone smoking in a "smoke-free" area, you are instructed to call 911 to notify the police of the violation.

OK, the locals are just nodding right now about this... but those of you not from here are probably laughing your asses off. Yes, you read that correctly, the violation of the smoking ban is an emergency situation. It is a life-threatening situation... 20 years in the making... and it needs to be addressed immediately.

Now, I had my mountain bike stolen from a village park (in Illinois) when I was in 5th grade. Did I call 911? No. I called the village police department's non-emergency line to report my stolen bike. Suprisingly within an hour, a police officer responded to my house, took down the report-- and they actually found my bike (in perfect condition) a couple of weeks later.

Is it just me, or is stealing a bike a bigger crime than smoking in public? You see where I am going with this? Don't bog down 911 dispatchers with this crap about somebody polluting their lungs in a restarant. Call your mommy and her take care of it instead... or if you really feel the need to get the police involved, call the non-emergency number.

...and when the nice police officer is done eating his doughnut, drinking his coffee, and smoking his cigarette in the five-square-foot box he is allowed to do so in, he will come take the cigarette from this person who has violated the city ordinance, walk outside and finish the smoke himself.

If you're going to make such a big deal about it, why not make it a capital offence? Give 'em the death penalty. No, seriously, if you claim they are killing you with second-hand smoke, that's murder... and murderers get the death penalty-- do you want to go for irony? New method of execution, take 'Old Sparky', place it in the five-square-foot box where smoking is legal, and let every prison guard, police officer, judge, vigilante, or even citizen who needs a C.E.O. (Cancer Enhancement Opportunity) stand around him blowing second-hand smoke in his face. If that doesn't work, take an entire pack of smokes, put them all in his mouth and make him smoke the whole pack at once.

Moving on....

This one is my favourite. Did you know... that if you wish to carry a concealed weapon in the State of Nebraska, you must also carry a licence distinguishing that you can legally carry said weapon out of sight. However, did you also know that if you keep your weapon in plain sight, you need no licence to carry your weapon?

Why is this is a law? Forget the shoulder holsters... forget the t-shirt that reads: "Have Gun, Will Travel"... just wear a gun belt like Marshall Dillon in Dodge. Let everyone know you have a gun, and there is no problem-- in fact, nobody is going to harass you.

If a man with a concealed weapon confronts a man with an AK-47 on his shoulder, who do you think is going to be the quicker draw? The only man who gets the better of the man with the AK-47 is Mongo from Blazing Saddles.

There are some serious issues out there in the world that need to be addressed. I'm not attempting to downplay the serious nature, or even mock the law. I just think we need to slow down and think it through.

Hey, if you can be irrational about this... so can I.

Mr. Ricketts, Your Word Is: Hypocrisy

(NOTE: Blogger was acting up a little, and this blog may or may not have been deleted, so it is being reposted for your viewing enjoyment. I appologize to those who had commented in its prior life-- feel free to post those thoughts again.)

This is exactly why I hate politics.

I revert to a previous post I made where I defined politics. The word itself is a compound word derived from the Latin word poly --meaning "many", and the English word tick --meaning "bloodsucking parasite".

For those of you who live out side of the State of Nebraska (known to those of you in Iowa, Kansas, and Colorado as the State of Confusion), I would like to draw your attention to the recent Senatorial Debate between incumbent (and more shockingly a Democrat) E. Benjamin Nelson and challenger Pete Ricketts.

The backgorunds of the two candidates are very different. Nelson is a former governor for a small town in Western Nebraska. A farmboy with an interesting hairstyle. Ricketts, is a big businessman, who wants you to think he is a smalltown farmboy-- despite the fact that he and his father are both insanely rich... and bald (not that hair really has anything to do with this... it's just another obvious difference). His wealth is no surprise, because he is in fact a Republican.

And while Ricketts has no announced his stance on guns... I'm sure he's pro-gun because... well, he's a Republican... and from Nebraska (and those are pretty much synonomous).

As Dennis Miller once said: "...Maybe the reason Republicans are so pro-gun is because they need them to constantly shoot themselves in the foot."

Where am I going with this? Hypocrisy and shooting himself in the foot...

During their last debate, Nelson extended an olive brach to Ricketts calling for and end to the mudslinging-- the running of negative campaigns on television. Ricketts, promptly changed the subject.

The very next day, I witnessed a Ricketts campaign ad citing the Omaha World Herald calling for Nelson to end the mudslinging and negative campaigns.

You can not be serious.

Nelson just called you out in a debate, suggesting an end to the negative campaigns... and you run such an ad, citing a newspaper that is blatanty biased in favour of Republicans, blasting Nelson for his mudslinging.

Brilliant. Ignore a face-to-face encounter, ignore the right thing to do, and then attack your opponent for something you, yourself, are doing.

Mr. Ricketts, I've read you bio on your website... and I'm pretty much convinced that not only are you an ass, but I would not be surprised to find out that you are a skinhead.

I'm sorry, but Washington, D.C. is already full of people who have said one thing then done another. We do not need another person running this country who acts and looks like a prick. Sir, there is no room for you at the inn.

Don't Believe the Hype

I really don't take joy in watching people or ideas flop, but sometimes you just have to sit back and have a laugh. And sometimes, you just have to think, what are people thinking (or smoking) when they set such lofty expectations.

Chicago Cubs fans know exactly what I'm talking about. Chicago Cubs fans, can also laugh at Dave Kingman-- who signed a contract in 1978 that included a bonus if he set the team record for Runs Batted In (RBIs).

The Cubs team record for RBIs, also happens to be the Major League Record: 190 by Hack Wilson in 1930. Kingman topped out at 115 RBI in 1979, though his 131 strikeouts were closer to the MLB record in that category (then 189- Bobby Bonds, 1970)... and probably the team record at that time.

Thanks for playing, Dave.

With that in mind, I have how dumb some of us can be to believe something we've heard, instead of looking for fact.

Why is Michelle Wie participating in PGA events?

I do not intend this as a sexist comment. Far from it. I have no doubt in my mind that women, given proper opportunity-- and within reason-- can be just as good as men in what they do. My argument is: Who is Michelle Wie? What has she done to impress us so much. She is the Anna Kounakova of golf.

Wie is not even competitive against women, and sponsors are giving her exemptions to their events. She's become a sideshow, and that is not fair to the other competitors-- male, female, and transvestite-- that she is getting this free ride without proving she can compete.

Annika Sorenstam had pretty much dominated the LPGA before she was given an opportunity to compete in a PGA event. She earned it. And yet, Wie is placed in PGA events with a resume that includes no LPGA victories. It is a joke for her to be out there and not be competitive.

At least Danica Patrick is a threat to win an IndyCar race... and Sorenstam held her own against the boys.

Allowing Wie to participate in some of these events is no more of joke than if I were pulled off my job as a cameraman for the Omaha Roayls, and immediately get a callup to start in Kansas City that night... though the result probabaly wouldn't change for the Royals.

Even major leaguers like Bob Feller and Dave Winfield-- who spent no time in the minors before making their major league debuts-- had established themselves prior to being thrust into the spotlight.

And this hype is not limited to sports. Anybody remember World War II? Was that not "the war to end all wars"? Then why are we still fighting? Can't we all just get along?

Even weathermen get into the act. Hundred-years storms. Predicting record heat, or record snowfall. Oh, really? Are you sure you're not being paid off to boost sales of weather-related products?

There is no need to hype anything. Things are what they are, and that's all they're ever gonna be. Nothing is that predictable. Let nature take its course, and if it happens to be the best or worst of something-- good for it.

Maybe it is the best thing since sliced bread-- is that the best we can do? Sliced bread? Unsliced bread is good on it's own merits.

OK, maybe it will be all that and a bag of chips-- who comes up with these? If it's all that AND a bag of chips... doesn't that give me more of something I don't need? Hey, that works for hype-- don't need it... wouldn't know what to do with it anyways.

Is reality such a bad place to live?

Playing By The Rules

This evening, Brian Williams and the NBC Nightly News released information that the U.S. military leaders in Afghanistan passed on an opportunity to attack the leaders of the Taliban who had all congregated in a funeral-type service last week.

For once, I applaud an action we have taken (or not taken in this instance). To those of you who think we should have taken the opportunity to strike, I ask: have you no respect for the dead?

OK, I understand some of you will point out that a suicide bomber took out several people at a similar gathering on the good-side of the fight. But just because they did it does not make it right for us to follow suit-- and believe me, I am all for 'and eye for an eye'... I even go beyond that and believe in 'The Chicago Way': he shoots you in the foot, you shoot him in the leg... he puts one of your men in the infirmary, you put one of his in the morgue. But you don't mess with people paying their respects for the dead.

Don't believe me? Take a quick look back to the American Civil War. Following the Union victory at Gettysburg, the Rebels were on the run-- but the Union leaders passed on the pursuit, to bury the casualties of the battle. They did the proper thing, and in the end the Gods of War smiled upon them with final victory.

By not attacking this memorial gathering, we have done the right thing. Call it a 'Conscientious Objection'. Just because you are present with the opportunity does not mean you have to take it.

And if you don't like my reasoning... then let's just say its more fun for us to hunt them down, instead of attacking when they're all just standing around-- I really don't know why else we'd pass on it.

However, we must understand that like in Vietnam, the rules of engagement, the rules of war, and the guidelines of the Geneva Convention are not in play with our opponents-- that is, they're not playing by them. And now, we have to decide how we are going to play this out.

Remember, the Brits lost the American Revolution by playing by the rules-- you know, marching in straight lines, not breaking ranks-- while our untrained militiamen picked them off one by one guerilla-style. How soon we forget.

So the first question to be answered is: Are we in a war?

I'm not talking about declaring war on abstracts. No more declring war on terrorism-- that fight is going about as well as our 'war' on drugs. If we are going to be at war, we need to define a specific target, get Congressional approval for said war, and go to town on our sworn enemies.

Right now the American public has no idea what the heck we are doing in the Middle East. We declared war on terrorism, we overthrew a government in Iraq, we've redecorated the typography landscape of several nations, and we've declared "Mission Accomplished".

Did the President not understand that 12-letter word on the banner behind him? "Mission Accomplished" means we have succeeded in our task at hand, and we can move on. But we haven't moved on. We are still fighting in the same spaces, against the same people. Something is amiss in the 'strategery'.

So, let us declare war on a specific target. Declare war against the Taliban. Declare war against Al-Queda. Declare war against Osama bin Laden... better yet, don't declare against him-- declaring against one person is not a good idea, because it gives him way too much attention, and will pretty much turn him into a martyr. Stick with groups.

Then, we must understand that beginning back in the Vietnam Conflict, the rules of war changed-- the goalposts moved. Sticking with traditional military techniques is not going to work against people who refuse to acknowledge the same set of rules. There was no coin flip, nobody to penalize sides for infractions... well, maybe The Hague, but I don't think they are getting involved in this one. I think the Gods of War are waiting for us to accept the change, make the tradition to the new way of fighting, and when we do-- and we go all in on this war, we will be rewarded with victory.

We need to live by former-President Bush's words, even if he didn't: "This [shall] not be another Vietnam. [This] time we are going all the way." No more policing. No more pussyfooting. We need to strike, and strike with confidence, authority, and the full power of the U.S. Military. No more half-hearting it.

"Do or do not. There is no try."

5 Years Later...

...and we're still scared shitless.

It has been 5 years since the events of that fateful day in the country, and I'm sure we all remember where we were when it happened. For me, I was in my car, listening to it all happen live on radio. I had just been loaned from a junior hockey team in Cincinnati to a team in Winnipeg. I was actually being sent home by Cincinnati to spend time with my family-- as the coaches knew I had spent most of my summer on the road, bouncing from team to team-- though they jumped at the idea to keep me on the ice, thus the loan to Winnipeg.

Little did we know that the world would be turned upside down. I was supposed to catch a friend for lunch in Indianapolis-- we cancelled that, though I was able to catch another friend in Champaign, Illinois before continuing on to my aunt's house in Peoria... where I stayed for the next three days.

I just remember filling up my car in Cincy, and thinking-- oh, this is just a joke... it's a "War of the Worlds" radio gag. By the time I had gotten back into my car, they had hit the Pentagon... and it hit me: GAME OVER. Of course, the early details of that plane hitting the Pentagon we sketchy-- the plane had gone down "behind" the Pentagon... Well, HOW FAR BEHIND? Did it like bounce over? Is it in a cornfield? (OK, that was the brief moment I was thinking of Langley, not the Pentagon) Is it in the Potomac?

A little bit of panic set in-- especially not being able to see what was transpiring. (And I want to complain about that-- I miss ALL the great TV events: I wasn't born for Lee Harvey Oswald getting shot, I was in school for the Branch Dividians, I wasn't around a TV until well after Columbine had settled down, and then I missed the awe of the towers collapsing.) Should I head back to my billet's house-- except, I no longer have a key, so if Brian is gone, I've got no choice but to leave. Do I try to go all the way back to Omaha? Do I just stay with my friend in Indy (at that point we hadn't cancelled lunch)?

Well, I just drove. And prayed. Well, I called my dad at work to tell him where I was and what my plans were, then I prayed. And I prayed that the didn't mobilize the militray-- thus closing the interstates-- until I got to Indy, because I could find my way to friends and family in Illinois from Indy.

For me, most of the rest of the day was uneventful-- I enjoyed my lunch with my friend, and I was happy to arrive safely in Peoria.

Back to present times, I find it all good to look back and think about where I was when this all went down, but I think we spend a little too much time thinking about the events of that day. Yes, it was a tragic day-- a day we will never forget. But we must move on.

Now, I wasn't alive when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. And I'm sure the thoughts following that attack were of the great conflict at hand. But I'm willing to bet, that in 1946 people in Honolulu were keeping an eye to the sky looking for more planes. But they never forgot that day, either. After all, it is a date that will live in infamy.

I am in no way saying that we should attempt to forget what happened. But we certainly can not run around, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because when you panic and fear what might happen-- the terrorists win. That's all they are out to do: SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF US.

I, for one, refuse to be scared. I may, however, be a little more carfeul about things and situations.

You see, we as Americans, made the same mistake in 2001 that we made in 1941: we got complacent. We didn't expect it to happen, and we didn't pay attention to the warning signs. Think about it. 2001 was eleven or twelve years after the end of the Cold War. We had defeated the Red Menace, and didn't have to fear the appocalypse by radiation. We're feeling good-- some issues in Kosovo, some issues in Iraq, some issues in Korea... but nothing major...

...and then, BOOM.

They hit when you least expect it. So please, for the love of God-- move on, but never forget. There is no need for wall-to-wall coverage of the stories, the memorials, the movies (movies? What the fuck? At least they waited a couple decades before Tora! Tora! Tora! was released), the tributes. Seriously, we're not forgetting. We know what happened. And we don't need exposes into who suffered the most out of all the people in America. All of us suffered. And for a few brief moments we all came together as a nation.

Why not build on that togetherness? Live for today. Sure, why not, carpe diem. Livestrong. Live for your nation and your brothers within. Move forward, but remember-- don't sulk.

And of course, God Bless America.

Someone Please...

...go to Memorial Stadium at some point this year, and yell 'FIRE'.

I just want to see the chaos it would cause among the thousands of scarlet-clad morons who make weekly treks to Lincoln, like it's fucking Mecca.

For those of you who live in the world of reality-- or at least live where the average college student does not run up $18,000 in debt (when a semester only costs $3,000), there was a nice article in the Omaha Daily Fishwrap discussion the complaints about the new addition to Lincoln's Memorial Stadium.

While none of these complaints are a total shock to this non-native Nebraskan, I do have to ask of Husker fans: are you really that dumb? OK, that's rhetorical (as in, you don't have to answer). But if your complaining because the U just installed a brand new videoboard, and you can't see it because you sit under it-- that's just too fucking bad. Besides, who the hell goes to a sporting event to see a video scoreboard? If you want to see replays-- stay home, watch the game on the idiot box... that is, if you can twist the rabbit ears in the right direction. (Idiot Box... hmmm... I like that, I think we can use that to describe Memorial Stadium on Saturdays.)

Those complaining about not being able to see the videoboard, also claim the auxillary scoreboards are two small, and two far away to read. Boo fucking hoo. May I suggest a visit to the optometrist (that's an eye doctor-- sorry, Husker fans need translation into 'everyday words'... err... I mean words of less than three syllables). If you're really into the game, you should know the score... and you can tell what down it is, and how far they have to go by locating the bright orange sticks on the sideline. Who cares how much time is left-- you play until the game is over-- and that will be signaled by the gentlemen in the black and white-striped shirts.

But the complaint I love best of all, is the complaint about the cramped nature, and lack of flow through the crowd at the Idiot Box. You see they've shoehorned 80,000 people into this art-deco (I know, again with the words the Cornfuckers don't know) monstrosity made from plaster, chain link fence and an erector set. You're damned lucky the place hasn't collapsed yet.

I'm willing to bet your beloved deathtrap would not pass the inspection of the Fire Marshall, or the Americans With disAbilities Act requirements if it were built in the modern day (understanding that the place is like 60 years old, and predates many of the codes). Then again, have you ever seen the Fire Marshall's office? Here's a hint, last I knew it was about a block and half away from the Ice Box on the State Fairgrounds and looked like a termite convention. Needless to say the Fire Marshall should condemn his own office.

But none of this should shock you. Take a look around at the venues of the area. Rosenblatt Stadium in Omaha seats 30,000... has one main entrance (though three exits, if they choose to open them)... and very narrow concourses. The aforementioned Ice Box in Lincoln... one main entrance, and a couple exits that are like walking out your own front door... and don't even look for a walking aisle inside the arena-- they don't exist. And let's not forget the crown jewel of the state-- Qwest Center Omaha... Capacity: 17,400 (for basketball... and rising)... plenty of room in the concourse... unless you're entering or leaving the building through the two gates. It is just a bottleneck, and I just wait for someone to get trampled during an event.

Knowing this, it should be no shock to any of you, that the oldest of the venues has only 3 gates (down from 4, when the capacity of the stadium was 17,000). The fans are packed thighter than drunken college sardines. The sightlines are terrible, which might explain why you can't see the giant fucking scoreboard. It's a giant disaster waiting to happen.

Not that I really care what happens to those electing to congregate at a college football game like women visiting Charlie Sheen's bed. Perhaps a disaster will teach you all something about civic planning and codes. Then again, I'm sure we'd never hear the end of the Husker Game Tragedy (the one, god forbid, worse than a player transferring)... and all the 'martyrs' who died there.

Really... enjoy your deathtrap, folks.

As Close As I Get To A Monologue

(If you behave properly, I promise a real blog entry later... if you behave improperly, I may have to blog 2 or 3 more times.)

Just a few things on my mind right now...

So apparently we've found an untapped oil source off the coast of Louisiana... SHOCKHORROR! You mean to tell me there is oil outside of Alaska and the Middle East? Texas, too... but we all know that's just for a rainy day.

My condolences go out to the family and friends of Steve Irwin... I truly enjoyed his show, and his message. Truly sad news-- that, and the fact that I had him dying of a snakebite, at age 53, in Africa.
On a serious note, Steve was truly an eccentric person, and this world could use a few more people like him.

By no means am I a fan... but I really have to question what the hell the Kansas City Royals are doing. OK, so I work for the AAA affiliate, and they were out of the playoff chase-- but it's still no excuse to leave the team with 10 (and eventually) 9 position players on their roster. It's pretty sad when former major league pitcher Pat Mahomes is in the stands, and has to be called in to be the DH for a game in New Orleans. Shit, why not ask him to play shortstop while you're at it-- might as well have fun. And I understand that AA-Wichita is gearing up for the playoffs, but surely there were one or two guys worth of 4 games in AAA (and then returning to AA for the playoffs)... or maybe someone is playing really well in high A-ball who is worthy of at least an emergency call up. Though, I did talk to the Omaha Gm and offered to play the outfield (of which the O-Royals had 2), if they needed me.

In other baseball related news-- that 'thud' you hear is the Cubs smacking the pavement in the basement of the Central Division. By this time next week, they should be so far back in the standings you'll find them listed among the NL West teams.

And finally, the CIA will be crawling all over me for the next couple years. UNO-TV worked a satellite uplink for the Al-Jazeera network this idea. My idea fo set decoration did not go over well-- I suggested that we put guest Tom Gouttiere in front of a blank wall, with an American Flag displayed behind him, and an out of focus shot.

But never fear, I was in the control room, out of arms reach of Gouttiere.

I'll be back with more later.