Someone Please...

...go to Memorial Stadium at some point this year, and yell 'FIRE'.

I just want to see the chaos it would cause among the thousands of scarlet-clad morons who make weekly treks to Lincoln, like it's fucking Mecca.

For those of you who live in the world of reality-- or at least live where the average college student does not run up $18,000 in debt (when a semester only costs $3,000), there was a nice article in the Omaha Daily Fishwrap discussion the complaints about the new addition to Lincoln's Memorial Stadium.

While none of these complaints are a total shock to this non-native Nebraskan, I do have to ask of Husker fans: are you really that dumb? OK, that's rhetorical (as in, you don't have to answer). But if your complaining because the U just installed a brand new videoboard, and you can't see it because you sit under it-- that's just too fucking bad. Besides, who the hell goes to a sporting event to see a video scoreboard? If you want to see replays-- stay home, watch the game on the idiot box... that is, if you can twist the rabbit ears in the right direction. (Idiot Box... hmmm... I like that, I think we can use that to describe Memorial Stadium on Saturdays.)

Those complaining about not being able to see the videoboard, also claim the auxillary scoreboards are two small, and two far away to read. Boo fucking hoo. May I suggest a visit to the optometrist (that's an eye doctor-- sorry, Husker fans need translation into 'everyday words'... err... I mean words of less than three syllables). If you're really into the game, you should know the score... and you can tell what down it is, and how far they have to go by locating the bright orange sticks on the sideline. Who cares how much time is left-- you play until the game is over-- and that will be signaled by the gentlemen in the black and white-striped shirts.

But the complaint I love best of all, is the complaint about the cramped nature, and lack of flow through the crowd at the Idiot Box. You see they've shoehorned 80,000 people into this art-deco (I know, again with the words the Cornfuckers don't know) monstrosity made from plaster, chain link fence and an erector set. You're damned lucky the place hasn't collapsed yet.

I'm willing to bet your beloved deathtrap would not pass the inspection of the Fire Marshall, or the Americans With disAbilities Act requirements if it were built in the modern day (understanding that the place is like 60 years old, and predates many of the codes). Then again, have you ever seen the Fire Marshall's office? Here's a hint, last I knew it was about a block and half away from the Ice Box on the State Fairgrounds and looked like a termite convention. Needless to say the Fire Marshall should condemn his own office.

But none of this should shock you. Take a look around at the venues of the area. Rosenblatt Stadium in Omaha seats 30,000... has one main entrance (though three exits, if they choose to open them)... and very narrow concourses. The aforementioned Ice Box in Lincoln... one main entrance, and a couple exits that are like walking out your own front door... and don't even look for a walking aisle inside the arena-- they don't exist. And let's not forget the crown jewel of the state-- Qwest Center Omaha... Capacity: 17,400 (for basketball... and rising)... plenty of room in the concourse... unless you're entering or leaving the building through the two gates. It is just a bottleneck, and I just wait for someone to get trampled during an event.

Knowing this, it should be no shock to any of you, that the oldest of the venues has only 3 gates (down from 4, when the capacity of the stadium was 17,000). The fans are packed thighter than drunken college sardines. The sightlines are terrible, which might explain why you can't see the giant fucking scoreboard. It's a giant disaster waiting to happen.

Not that I really care what happens to those electing to congregate at a college football game like women visiting Charlie Sheen's bed. Perhaps a disaster will teach you all something about civic planning and codes. Then again, I'm sure we'd never hear the end of the Husker Game Tragedy (the one, god forbid, worse than a player transferring)... and all the 'martyrs' who died there.

Really... enjoy your deathtrap, folks.