The Philosophy of Sam, Part V

This one come with some help from a very wise, pin-striped man who was telling a great anecdote during a road trip to Massachusettes. I forget the details, but the moral of the story was: Do you want justice? Or do you want revenge?

I say you can have both. Just remember this for your next drunken night out:

When getting into a bar fight, get them to question your sexuality, then get them to swing at you. Now it's a hate crime.

...As always, I'm here to help.

Hazed and Confused

OK, class. Take your seats. I am your prof for the day, Dr. Sam. Now, take out a pencil, and prepare for a pop quiz.


Question #1: The men's lacrosse team is throwing a party. How many of them are going to rape the stripper?


Question #2: The women's soccer team is conducting their hazing ritual. Where can you expect to see the pictures?


Question #3: In the last year, how many college sports teams have held parties where any number of laws have been broken?


Question #4: How many of those teams have been caught?


Question #5: How many of those stories made headlines in the media?

OK, pencils down.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm pissed. I just don't know what about. Am I mad because athletes and celebrities seem to have a "Get Out of Jail Free" card more often than the rest of us? Am I upset that college students can be some fucking stupid as to hold these rituals? Am I totally pissed that there are other incidents that go totally unnoticed? Am I furious that these bad apples are giving others a bad reputation?

Can I be outraged for all the aforementioned reasons?

This is fucking ludicrous. Duke lacrosse, Northwestern soccer, Vermont hockey, Plattsmouth HS football-- it's not just one group, it's an epidemic. And it really needs to end.

Apparently if you play lacrosse at Duke, and rape a stripper (and violate your terms of probation at the same time), the women's team will show full support for you and support your innocence.

Wake the fuck up, ladies. If it was one of you being raped, you'd be singing a different tune. Hookers have feelings, too.

And the lacrosse team is not the first team to have an entire season wiped out for lude behaviour. Look no further than the Vermont hockey team's "Elephant Walk" hazing ritual of a couple seasons ago. They lost their entire season, too.

"But they lost their chance for a national championship!" Boo fucking Hoo. They forfeited their right to play. Even is the hooker is crying wolf, how many other laws were broken? Underage drinking is a crime, too-- and still a violation of the probation laid out for the "upright citizens" who have prior convictions. As far as I'm concerned, they can sit in jail for a while... and see what kind of hazing rituals the inmates have for them.

The bigger farce is that some of these teams get no punishment, or a slap on the wrist. Northwestern's team (and, I don't believe it's over for them yet) thus far has only had to offer a public apology. Wow. Last year, a few members of the Bowling Green State men's hockey team were suspended for 4 games for a hazing incident. And on a local level, a football player in Plattsmouth, Nebraska was found innocent of sexual assault on a teammate, after sticking a finger up the kid's ass. Why? Because the victim was still wearing his underwear, and as such there "could have been no penetration through his underwear."

It's a crock of shit.

I want to know how many other teams have gotten off the hook, or why I haven't heard of these other incidents I have found through research: Catholic University Women's Lacrosse, Quinnipiac University Men's Baseball, Wake Forest Women's Volleyball, Fordham University Softball, University of Michigan Men's Lacrosse. The list goes on. And they think it is acceptable behaviour.

It's not like it is hard to avoid unacceptable behaviour. I kept my nose clean through four years of high school, a year at Iowa State, two years of junior hockey, and a half-season at Nebraska-Omaha.

It's not hard. It's called motivation. I knew, if I got out of line, any chance I ever had of playing or earning a scholarship would be gone. Even the accusation could be enough, so I made it my goal to not put myself in such a situation. I'm still convinced that my token appearance on UNO's hockey roster was a reward from above for working my ass off, never giving up, and conducting myself in a professional manner no matter what the situation was.

And yet, I think I'm even more pissed off because of the effect college stupidity has taken on my best friend. Four players of a college volleyball team get MIP'd at a party thrown by the football team. Two of the players were thrown off the team, one transfered, and the last quit rather than face the consequesnces. Could have been a great opportunity for my friend (who was not in attendance at the party) to solidify her spot on the roster... except that one of those players who was thrown off the team has been given her spot back. How fair is that? And she didn't have to go through the punishment, like the rest of the team.

If I were my friend, I'd be pissed, too. And I'd probably consider quitting like she is. I don't blame her. That is not justice.

But the bigger issue, is the problem itself. It needs to end. There is no reason for hazing, and team-bonding at underage drinking parties. People forget that participating in athletics is a privalage-- you are not born with the right to participate. Stop taking it for granted.

Maybe athletics (professional and collegiate) should be like the presidency-- a felony forfeits your eligibility. Think about it. Kids want to look up to these athletes... and maybe they could, if they weren't morons.

Always and Forever

For my new sister-in-law, this is congratulations. For my brother, this is something else.

I do want to congratulate my brother on his marriage to his beautiful bride, Melanie, yesterday. However, I can't help but feel that I've been kicked around the past couple of days.

You know, I understand yesterday, last night, and pretty much the past few weeks have been there time. And rightfully so. But there were a couple things that have gone on that when you think about it are down right insulting. And none of it make sense.

Like, 5 groomsmen and 4 bridesmaids? Guess who was the 5th groomsman-- me. Which really set off the symmetry of the wedding party, and made for some interesting moments at the wedding and reception.

I don't get why there was a extra groomsman. I'm certainly not complaining... I was honoured to be a part of the wedding party, but I can't help but think that someone, somewhere, made a threat to ensure I was a groomsman, and not just an usher.

It was bad enough that I had to walk down the aisle by myself at the church. But I really felt like a fifth-wheel at the reception when the wedding party got to dance. There I am stadning around, looking for anyone to dance-- or the DJ to play Eric Carmen's "All By Myself"... or maybe Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself". After a quickly aborted idea of having me dance with the Best Man's 2-year-old daughter, my cousin Danielle came to my rescue... but even that was a little awkward.

I am also the only groomsman or usher who has not received a gift from the couple for being in their wedding.

And for the most part, I could care less-- I reamined silent, I didn't complain, I just laughed it all off. Or atleast I did until the conversation I had with my brother 2 hours ago.

You see, my brother called me from somewhere in Missouri (he's driving through on his honeymoon) to bitch me out about a dent to his car. He wanted to know who was "dancing on top of his car" Friday night-- when the Best Man, the Best Man's friend, and I saran-wrapped his 1995 Ford Explorer.

You see, there was no dancing, but someone had to be on top of the car to get the roll over the top of the car. I was the lightest of the options.

But then it hit me. Why did he ask if I was the only person on top of the car? I know why. This is one of those, big brother - little brother "you broke my G.I. Joe, and I'm still pissed" things. Had it been Eric or Matt on top of the car-- it would have been: "OK, fine." No, this was me, fucking up something of his. I just became a matter of me being able to do no right, and giving him an option of throwing is weight around-- because we all know that now that he's married, his ass is owned by his wife (though many of us would argue that he was owned 4 years ago when they started dating).

My brother is such a whiny little bitch. It's always gotta be about him. (I think he's a little pissed that I was getting along too well with his other groomsmen-- 3 of whom I had not met until Friday, and the other who used to torture me when he was in high school.) It's OK bro, it's a 10-year old car, and if it really means that much to you, I'll find 3 or 4 guys and we'll punch the roof back out that half-inch when you get back from your honeymoon... if you're wife doesn't kill you first for the insurance money.

But the best part was the response from my parents. To start, upon seeing the shrink-wrap job on the car, the three of us received a standing ovation from my parents and their friends. But when I told them my brother was crying about the dent, they just chalked it up to him being stressed. They just laughed.

I mean, it took his 48 hours to find the damn dent, he didn't notice it when he was driving... so who gives a fuck? (His claim is that the resale value of his car would be nothing now.) It's a 10-year-old SUV that a cop drives when off duty. THERE WAS NO RESALE VALUE TO BEGIN WITH!

If he really want to get into this with me, I'll remind him of the transmission he blew in my, then 20-year-old (1983 Ford) LTD, when he decided he wanted to see how fast the "Grandpamobile" would go before breaking up. Your badge is not a permit to be reckless with a car, asshole.

Just remember, you were so unhappy to have to drive the 1980 Datsun 210 when you got your license in 1995-- so unhappy you totalled it three weeks later. That, of course, was an accident, he was looking to seeif he needed to shift gears when he hit the rear of a 1995 Ford Explorer... how ironic. I didn't bitch about my car. The alternative was to walk.

You may be on your honeymoon now... but for me, the ceremony is over... and so is your honeymoon. I'm not going to let you shaft me like this. I'll have more respect for you when it comes time for me to take the vows. And then you'll really feel like an asshole.

"People Suck Sometimes"

(Thank you to my ex- Crystal for the quote. And despite the fact I have not spoken to her in 4 years... Happy Birthday.)

But, she's right. People just suck sometimes.

Case in point: I (with some help, of course-- after all, credit shall be given where credit is due) have started two projects over the past 8 months. Unfortunately in both projects, I have been shit upon by a certain group of people. (**I do not intent to stereotype everyone involved, nor do I intend to call out others... but I really just need to ventmy frustrations, and they should know how upset I am about this.**)

The first project is a fundraiser (Mavs United), that I started with the help of 20 other people. Well, it was supposed to be 20 people... actually 22.

This season we got together on a message board and pledge one dollar for every power play goal that the [University of Nebraska at Omaha] Mavericks scored this season. There were a couple of options if people wanted to pledge more, but it's not worth the detail at this time. The Mavericks scored 37 power play goals this year. So if you figure 20 people are paying $37 each, simple math would tell you that I should have evxpected to collect $740 to donate to our charity for the year (the Children's Hospital of New Orleans).

WRONG.

For whatever reason, the total amount collected was $540... and of that, I was in for $80... as was 'Tarzan' (you remember him from some earlier bashings of me) and his family. There's $160, right there. So we got $380 from other sources (I know Matty is one, but I don't know how much he donated-- but again, not a big deal what he donated-- he donated, he paid... and I thank him for his participation).

Shameful.

The other very major project that I undertook this year was the production of a television series. Mike Kemp, the head coach of the Mavericks, broadcast a radio show every Tuesday night from a local bar. Mark, Chaz, and I then undertook the task of taking a raw video feed from that live radio broadcast, and replay the show in its entirety on tape-delay, Thursday nights.

We dropped in the highlights from the previous week's games and turned out a nice little show. It was nothing special, but it was something-- and a great experience for my first producership.

What I haven't told you is that we produced this show without a budget. Any cost for the show-- tapes, meals, etc.-- all came out of personal pockets... mine. We also did not get paid for our work on the show. We were strictly volunteers.

In an attempt to generate some form of a budget for next year, we are attempting to sell the show's archive on DVD. Chaz and I have posted comments on the aforementioned message board to sample the interest there would be in purchasing the show.

Some have taken it upon themselves to attmept to find a bargain-basement deal for the reproduction of the season. It has since become a fight over how much the season will cost.

WE DON'T KNOW. If we knew, we would tell you. I have given every piece of information I have at my disposal.

The response I got was as follows: "We need to know what you are going to be selling us -- and what it is going to cost -- before we can make a "hypothetical" commitment."

Hypothecically, you COULD kiss my ass. We were not asking for hypothetical commitments. We were asking for moderate interest.

Twice in two weeks I have been shit on by the same group of people. And over what? Charity.

WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE?

You know, I understand there are some people in that community who don't like me. They simply don't know me. They have drawn conclusions from a few select postings I've made, when the reality is that I am not the complete asshole others like to make me out to be.

Ask 'Tarzan'.

I've had my differences with 'Tarzan', but we've since burried the hatchet, and put it behind us.

The problem is that someof these people don't know me. But if they'd ask around, or talked to me, they might find out who I am. Yes, I'm an abrassive person. I don't deny it. But I am also a very passionate, and very generous man.

Generous. Yes, I started a fundraising foundation. I'm the old-fashioned type of guy who still opens and holds the door for the ladies (Joel, insert a joke about being a D-1 door-opener, here). And I understand that one bad thing I've done can overshadow a thousand good things. But that one thing, is something I did... don't carry your dirty laundry over to charity cases. You are making others suffer for something you're pissed at me over.

(**In the interest of full disclosure, many people are still pissed at me for speaking my mind about some injustices and other wrongs that existed with the community. Deal with it, I said it, I backed it up with fact, and if you can't handle the truth your issues are with your soul, NOT WITH ME. Don't question my character, question my methods. You're mad at me for voicing my concern in a public manner, when the rest of you would have bottled it up and repressed it. I believe in the turth, and as such I will always show my true colours, and show those colours means wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I will not hide anything, and I will give you the respect of letting you know what I truely believe.**)

But it absolutely makes me sick to my stomach to come up over $200 short in a fundrasier. It's is fucking gutless for anyone to promise to donate, then rescind on that promise. There is only one indeniable excuse-- health. If you have an unexpected medical bill (or you die), we wouldn't hold you to your donation-- you've got something much more important to deal with (and that extends to some other aspects of life). At least show some respect-- tell us why you backed out.

I know of one person who backed out. That's it. ONE. And he cited a personal indifference I had with someone else. I understand, he didn't wish to support an idea if he doesn't believe in the founder. I wish he would have reconsidered, I think a personal indifference is not a valid excuse to back out of a caritable donation, but at least he had the respect to confront me with it. (I do believe he made a donation to another charity, using the same formula we used at Mavs United.)

So, I was still fuming over that disrespectfulness when the DVD thing fired up. It really is nothing more than the hipocritcal nature of these people. All year long they bitch and moan about the lack of television coverage they get on the local netowrk affiliates. So, we came out with this show on public television. And while not everyone is able to watch the show, we knew many were happy we were able to air the show.

Now, they could care less. They would rather fight with me over how much it is going to cost.

Think about this: It will cost money for us to produce the DVDs. It has cost us money to produce the show, and I'm not even going to recollect the money I pumped into the show. Again, your purchase of the DVDs will go directly into a fund, which will become a working budget for the show.

Unfortunately, the Mike Kemp Show will not be found in the 99-cent bin next to every John Tesh album ever released. But I also don't think it's going to run at the History Channel's rate for $19.99 for an hour-long show.

Look at it this way: If I quote a price, guessing high, I'm likely to scare off some potnetial consumers who think it will be too expensive. But if I quote a price that is too low, get more of you to commit, then have it cost more, you'll all bitch that we deceived you to get more people to buy. It's lose-lose, either way.

And if you're going to hassle me over the difference of $20-$30 in price, consider this...

Not only did I have to pay many expenses out of my pocket, I also put in over 500 hours of volunteer time on this show. I got paid for a grand total of NONE of it. Even at the over-generous government pay rate of $6 an hour (what I get paid for my other work at UNO-TV), that is $3,000 out of my pocket before we even start.

You didn't think about that, did you?

I think some of you need to go take a look in the mirror and think about if you have treated others (directly, or indirectly) the way you would like to be treated. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel?

Kinda makes you sick, doesn't it?

Don't Shoot, Mr. Postman

Finals are mercifully over, so hopefully I'll have more opportunities to blog. Love it, hate it, be indiffrent-- you can not control me!

But while I have your attention, I just thought I'd share with you a few open letters I would like to write.

Letter #1
To: The Striking Minor League Baseball Umpires

STAY ON STRIKE. (OK, I'm slow-- they are already back from their strike... but they should go back out on strike.) You guys just got your asses shown up by your replacements.

A couple of incidents come to mind for which the replacement umpires (whose names were not released) need to be commended. But the first and, by far, the biggest is the Delmon Young bat-throwing incident.

For those who don't follow baseball, Delmon Young is an uberprosect (read: overhyped sack of shit) in the Tampa Bay Devil Rays farm system. While playing for the AAA Durham Bulls (yes, just like the movie) Young was ejected for arguing a called thrid strike.

As our hero exited stage-left he flipped his bat end over end, striking the umpire in the chest. The umpire made no reaction, and needs to be commended for keeping his cool under the circumstances.

Had the actual MiLB umpires been working that game (and this is pure speculation-- cuz I hope I'm wrong about this... yet we'll never know) I'm sure the situation would have escalated. Anybody remember the Robbie Alomar spitting incident? Yeah-- I'm sure the umpire would have said something to Young. As it was, the replacement restrained and needs to be commended for it.

Letter #2
To: The Exectutive as Exxon/Mobil

FUCK YOU. There is absolutely no reason for you assholes to report mutil-BILLION dollar profits while charing us $3-4 for a gallon of gas. When you report that much of a profit, it mean that you are not doing enough to help your consumers.

OK, so some self-absorbed morons among us (I'm talking about anybody who drives a Hummer or any other vehicle that gets 24 gallons to the mile) who have pushed demand up and shown you that we will pay those outrageous prices for petro. Some of us pay those prices out of necessity.

But your RECORD PROFITS mean that you have gained that much money over what your expenses are. What it means is that there is a lot of room for you to be cutting prices, or finding other was to be putting that money back into the consumers. Perhaps you should consider fixing your refineries that have sat broken and idle for a decade. But to start, you can lower the prices. Think about this-- you lower prices, you're going to get more customers, which will keep that profit number in the same range that it is.

Do something to help us. Until then, you're just a bunch of pathetic, arrogant assholes-- and I hope the IRS audits your sorry asses for every dollar you have embezzled from the American public.

Letter #3
To: The Chicago Cubs

You have got to be the biggest assholes in the world-- behind only the oil executives, George W. Bush, Saddam Hussein, and well... OK a lot of other people... but still your very existence is insulting.

Tonight, the San Diego Padres honoured the Negro Leagues by wearing 1945 Pacific Coast League Padres uniforms. The significance being that it was the uniforms worn when the Padres signed their first Negro player.

In attendance for the game were several big names from the Negro Leagues, incuding Buck O'Neill and Jackie Robinson's daughters.

Instead of joining in the celebration, the Cubs took the field in their traditional road greys.

WHAT THE FUCK?

One of the oldest teams in the majors, with over 100 years of history, a huge budget, and the second largest fan base in the majors can't come up with throwbacks to join in on the celebration? Fuck's Sakes-- does the name Ernie Banks mean anything to your franchise? He was THE LAST player to join the Major Leagues from the Negro Leagues.

Come up with something-- don't look like the retards everyone knows you to be.

The Cubs are a disgrace. (For more reasons than just this... but I'm not going there... not now.)