Just a Bunch of Tree-hugging Hippie Crap

To all you environmental tree-huggers: I'm sorry...
To all you technological geeks: keep trying...

Your dreams for a paper-free world are futile.

I know, it was this great idea, it was supposed to be that computers would free us from the burdensome stacks of paper on our desks, and save the trees. I am very much a pro-enviornment person, but I know we will never be free from paper. Let me outline it for you with a couple reasons.

Memos. Email is great and all, but sometimes the only way to get your message to someone in a hurry is to post a note on their desk. Sending an email implies to many things-- that that person is at their desk, that they are going to check their email, and that they have access to that email. A memo can be walked down the hall, placed in sight where whoever is going to see it and respond to it.

Why do I bring up this point? UNO has stopped mailing their U-Bills to students. Now, they send you an email, and you must go to the registration website to print off your bill.

This is the worst idea I have ever heard. First, I do not check my school email account with any regularity. When I do check it, often times I am not at home. And what if I don't have time to go print off the bill, I'm likely to forget about it, and the next time I go check that email account, it is burried in other emails. Just send me the damn bill, I'll hand it off to my personal accountant, the bill will get paid on time, and everyone will live happily ever after.

Second example... Toilet Paper. A necessity in the posh world we live in. OK, there are people who use leaves, or have other means, but toilet paper is the ONLY practical means of cleaning your arse following a movement. It is disposable, it is eco-friendly, its more sanitary than any other way.

Believe me, I was trying to think of an alternative. The closest I got was a bidet. But it is not the proper use for a bidet. Besides, I am not comfortable with shooting water up my bum-- EXIT ONLY. Others might be more comfortable with that idea, maybe too comfortable-- but not me. Toilet paper is the way to go.

Finally, there is the harsh reality. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. What do you do with emails and other projects you work on with your computer? You print them off. We use more paper now, than we did before computers became common place. We print off our final reports, we print off emails to remind us to finish those reports, we print off our online sources for information, so that we have them ready to use while we do our work. You can't avoid it.

I really wish there was more we could do. Plant some trees, and recycle-- that's all we got. Control what you destroy, but understand that through necessity comes sacrifice. I hope there comes a time when a paper-free world can exist, but it just does not seem possible.

In the mean time, stop being a 'spinner'-- control your use of toilet paper. The world depends on it.

The Price is Wrong

What has this country come to?

First, I'd like to apologize to my avid readers, who have had to suffer through the pain of two weeks without access to my great view of the world from the end of the bench. Between a visit from a friend from out of town, and then the first week of classes for the semester, not to mention a 15-hour hour day of editting a television show.

...and then of course, the flu.

...if only I had know the worst was yet to come. I spent most of Saturday night-- and all of Sunday-- in bed, not strong enough to go elsewhere. I was so wiped out physically I didn't even turn off my television last night.

What this meant, was that when I woke up, I woke up to the sounds of 'The Price Is Right'. I think that made me even sicker.

Growing up, I watched 'The Price Is Right' regligiously. I wanted to be Bob Barker-- well, I wanted to host the show... I didn't want to be a dirty 1,000-year old pervert. Besides, I was like 4-years old, which meant it was the mid-80s and Barker's Beauties back them... some of them looked like clowns.

Everyone had their favourite games. I loved Plinko, the Punchboard, and the Shell Game... and I certainly couldn't get enough of the Big Wheel. And then to follow it up, that had 'Press You Luck' and 'Match Game'-- but those are days gone by, and you don't want to get me started on Peter Tomarken and the Whammies, or Charles Nelson Riley... another day, perhaps.

Apparently some things have changed since I started going to school. And I just got to say: WHAT THE FUCK?

Apparently a few things have changed since I started going to school. Like the dumbening of the entire nation.

Another one of the great games, was Three Strikes. For those of you who have jobs, and lack a television at your work desk, the game consists of 8 chips-- 5 good (one for each number in the price of a car, and 3 bad (strikes). Say you draw four numbers to start the game. You now have a 1-in-4 chance of drawing the last number, and three chances to do it. Today, there is only 1 bad chip in the entire bag. Under the same circumstance, you know have a 1-in-2 chance of pulling that last number, and still three chances to do it in. They've made the game easier.

Then there is Hole In One. It's like mini-golf without the windmill. It is a game where you try to pick items in ascending order of their price. The more you get right, the closer to the hole you can putt from. Bob Barker is always willing to show off his mad golf skills, and does a demostration putt from the furthest possible place on the green-- it's like a 20 foot putt with no slope, no windmill, no wind, no hazzard, and a wall behind the hole for the ball to rebound off of. (Even AJ can make that putt). You used to get one shot at it. Now they call the game Hole In One Or Two.

Give me a fucking break. Why not just make it a downhill putt with the hole at the bottom of a cone?

Can we make these games any easier?

I am all for the expanded budgets of game shows. I'm sure they like it when people win. Of course, when I was little, I wanted to see people win new cars.

Now?

Well, now I like to see people fuck up the most mundane activities in the world. People who are idoits, unable to do a little handle the pressure of being under the big lights. There shall be no more rewarding people for psychotic behavior on my watch-- you know how that works, the people who get on that show are the ones who act the most like idiots in the line waiting to get in, get on the show to do the same.

I'm still waiting for some guy to run up to Bob Barker and stick his tongue down his throat-- Froemming, that sounds like it's right up your alley. Go to Burbank, go have a couple shots with Brian Setzer, and have at it with Bob. I know he's not Hugh Hefner, but this will get you noticed.

It's either that, or you fuck up that 3-foot putt, throw the golf club, tell Bob "the price is wrong, bitch", and knock him out. Your choice.

In the mean time, I weep for the future of our nation. The greatest days daytime television has seen, are gone.

Do You Have Any Regrets?

Happy New Year.

I guess it is time to make a New Year's Resolution. Actually, no. Not for me.

Why make a resolution? I already have ambitions. I'm already looking forward to a few events this year-- my graduation (if the U permits it to happen), my brother's wedding, and several others.

But here's the thing about resolutions-- How many people talk about how they never keep their resolutions?

There you go. You regret not doing something. And you can't live in the past-- you can't dwell on your failures. Move forward, get on with your life. Don't cry over something that didn't happen. It was never meant to be.

I know a few people have some regrets.

Matty (not seriously, of course) wishes he could go back in time to March 2001 when UNO played Findlay in hockey... only to chant: "You'll be back in NEVER!" (The joke being, Findlay dropped their varsity hockey program following the 2003-04 season).

I think some people should have regrets. There are many people who have seriously wronged people, themselves, and the world to the point where they should never forget what they did. Things like the Holocaust (and other acts of genocide, prejudice, or social inacceptablility), and anyone involved.

Do I have any regrets? No.

I've been on this planet just short of 25 years. And I really have no regrets. I apologize for mooning my babysitter when I was 5, but an apology should cover that-- there is really no way to make amends for mooning a babysitter.

I don't regret a decision I've made, because those decision have made me the person I am today-- an intelligent gentleman. I am blessed to have been raised by my parents, because quite frankly they could have done worse.

So lets not talk about how things could have been better. Just remember there are people who are not as fortunate as we are. If you think you have life bad... if you have fucked up in some way-- think about it.

I think my background in hockey for many lessons. There are a lot of things I might still be learning had I not pursued my opportunities in hockey. And in all honesty, the most important lesson isn't something I learned in my travels, just simply in playing the game.

Coach Al Murdoch use to tell me "if you give a goal... wipe the slate clean, play shutout hockey from that point."

He's right... and it goes for life to. If you fuck up-- make amends for it. You learn your lesson, and you move on. Forget the bad thing that happened.

You can't live in the past. You can't live in the future either.

You can only live. So let's live for today.