The Funny Little Frog in My Throat

This is a long-overdue post. I've been meaning to post this for several months, and unfortunately anytime I think I have time to post it, I get taken away by some other aspect of life. Certainly not a more important aspect than the topic, but more important than a blog.

For those of you who visit my MySpace page (again, this is not an endorsement of the cults of the internet of MySpace, or Facebook-- rather, just a reference point), you'll notice I enjoy the music of Belle and Sebastian. (Matty used to hound me regualraly over this fact, but even he has come around on their music.) On my MySpace page is the video to 'Funny Little Frog'. It's not a great video-- though I love the song-- it is there as a tribute to five of my close friends. Friends I don't talk to near enough anymore, and friends who I am not sure I have made clear to how much I appreciate them, their friendship, and some of the things they have done for me.

To bring you full circle into the song, the lyrics are really about a guy fantasizing about, and having this 'relationship' a girl who isn't there, but his emotion when he 'talks' to her (really just talking to himself) gets him a little choked up. A little creepy, yes, but I took a slightly different interpretation of it. Because, you see, three of my five close friends I'm tributing don't live up the street from me-- in fact, the one I'm probably the closest to... I've never met in person (...long story, but we do talk on the phone-- so it's not one of these internet 'relationships'). However, when I find myself in times of reflection-- thinking about who I am, what I've done, things like that-- I still hear their voices. Without them, I would be lost.

This is the full tribute to them, and everything they have done for me. Grab a seat-- I'm not going to short-change anyone here. (Oh yes, this is going to get sappy.)

It started with Kali, who used to live here-- and I used to talk to everyday after school. Shortly after we met, she moved and I went off to college. However, her friendship over those next couple of years got me through some of the toughest times of my life.

I was struggling academically, and I wasn't happy with playing time in hockey (being redshirted, and felt I had gotten a raw deal at them end of the semester). There were days where I just didn't want to get out of bed, and I was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it on my own. Then one day I just happened across her on IM one day, and it was like any worry I had disappeared. Later that year, while I was playing junior hockey I went through a two-week period that would put anyone through an emotional ringer-- changing teams as often as I changed underwear (for the record in an eight-day span I changed teams 13 times between five different teams). My parents were telling me to give it up, and come back home to go to school. Yet, in one phone call to Kali my mind was made up. All she said was "I've never known you to give up. You can do it."

One voice against the weight of the world was all I needed. I stuck it out, and some of you know how it turned out. When I finally settled in to a roster spot, I knew I had one phone call to make. Not to my parents, not to my brother, to Kali-- and I was so choked up, I'm not even sure she heard what I had to say.

Ironically, the next year I faced a similar situation and it was a new friend I had met by accident who carried me through. I had known Jill's dad for a while through a some common interest groups, and I just happened to meet Jill while trying to contact her dad. We hit it off right away. And rightfully, I owe at lot of my friendship with Jill to her dad, Dave-- who passed away a year ago in October. Dave was a great friend, too-- who thought highly enough of me to tell me that he wished I would someday be his son-in-law. You don't forget words like that.

Back to Jill, our friendship could have been a lot simpler than it has been. She is the one I have never met in person. Though, Dave, Jill, and I thought we had it all worked out while I was playing hockey in Cincinnati-- I was only a couple hours away, and Dave had said if I run into trouble, I could call him. Being away from home and knowing you have 'family'-- beyond your billets-- willing to help is a comforting feeling. What we didn't expect was that I would get loaned back to a team in Winnipeg.

While in Winnipeg, I was in a fight for playing time, and there was this shroud of uncertainty around me. The main concern was that I wouldn't stick in Winnipeg because of they wouldn't use a roster spot on a player on a player who could be on his way back to Cincinnati at a moment's notice. Again, it was a friend who kept my head straight-- this time Jill.

Jill was also there for me a couple months later when I made the decision to leave juniors and go back to school. Ever since, Jill has been the friend I talk to when I need to get my mind in order. She likes to challenge my mind, and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm out of line. Seriously, if you don't have a friend like Jill who can psychologically slap some sense back into you-- GET ONE!

What you might notice now, is a trend. When one friend seems to start to fade a little in their presence in my life, another friend is there to pick right up where they left off. It was while Jill was studying in Greece that Beth became the voice of reason in my life.

Let's just say that Beth is the one who, even today, kicks my ass over the stupid things I do. You make one mistake, and she's the type of friend who... doesn't necessarily hang it over your head... but rather keeps you from making the same mistake twice.

Then there is Amanda. Amanda's contribution to who I am, is she is the person who brings out the best in me. There are two aspects with my friendship with Amanda. The first, is that she has taken away some of my fears about being who I am. I took a risk when I met Amanda... three days after I first met her. you see, my first run-in with Amanda was during a TV broadcast of UNO Volleyball. For various reasons, I just couldn't get my mind off of this beautiful girl from South Dakota's team-- her eyes, her smile-- finally a co-worker had enough of me, and called my bluff. Kathy went over and said something to her... and me, being the gutless wonder I am-- hid in fear.

A few days later I found her on Facebook, and took a risk-- would she laugh it off, or would it creep her out. My money was on creepiness. She found it all to be 'totally cute and sweet'. My friendship with Amanda, like with Jill, has reminded me simply to be myself-- you can't go wrong when you be yourself.

The other thing Amanda's friendship has done for me, is remind me of my humble nature. I know at lot of people mistake the pride I have in the things I've done as being a 'pompous asshole who thinks he's better than everyone else'. They couldn't be more wrong. I'm simply a person proud of what he has accomplished, and I really don't make that big of a deal out of it. Sure, if you ask me about it I'll tell you everything you want to know. But you forget, that my pride comes from rebounding from some very rough-- humble-- times. I certainly wouldn't have gotten anywhere without the help of my friends, and it was Amanda that unknowingly reminded me of that.

You see, shortly after I met Amanda, we spent a lot of time on the phone talking about how rough of a time she was having at USD. Basically, she was going through the same things I experienced at ISU-- an unhappy red-shirt who was sturggling academically and was considering a change in majors and possibly even a transfer. All I had to do was think back what I had been through, and speak through experience.

Catie, like Amanda, reminded me of who I am. But Catie provided that missing piece to the puzzle-- and that is to not only remember who you are, but to be proud of it. I used to think I was a misfit-- I knew being unique wasn't bad-- but I never felt like I belonged. Then I met Catie, and found out that we're pretty much two peas in a pod. Political beliefs, frustrations, social ideals-- until Catie and I started talking-- and were they ever the long conversations-- I thought I was just this radical, someone who was off the charts... an oddball.

I'm sure I've given back to each of them in some way, as well-- at least I hope so, or I'm not a very good friend. But, I think it is only fitting at this time of the year, that those who really mean something to you, know how you feel.

Without my entire support staff-- all of my friends-- who knows in what sad shape I would be in today. And so, to not just the five special young ladies mentioned above, but to all of my friends...

THANK YOU... and Happy Holidays