So Nice I'm Rude
So apparently I'm just an asshole. Plain out, no question, I'm an asshole. Either that, or the International Federation of We Hate Sam decided in their weekly meeting that this was the week for everyone to be mean to me.
In the case of the latter-- I KNEW IT! You thought I wasn't on to you, but I knew that you all get together and find new and amazing ways to make my life a living hell.
OK, I'm kidding. I would have to think very highly of myself to actually believe that people get together to discuss my life. I'm sure it's just a website, right?
Of course not. Nobody is out to get me-- well, maybe somebody is, but it's all trivial. However, the events of the past week have been so assinine they've become comical to me, and I just thought I'd share my thoughts with everyone else. I hope everyone else can laugh this off as I have.
Now to start, I don't deny that from time to time I can come across as a contemptuous and pompous asshole. No disrespect intended, I just don't try to soften the blow of the truth. I'm rather blunt when it comes to the truth, because there is simply no way around the truth-- there is it, take it.
Than again, there are some of you who only know me through this blog-- so I would understand if you thought I was this jackass who just hates the world. Well, I don't hate the world. But this blog is a place for me to express my opinions and vent my frustrations. Let's face it, if I wasn't talking about things that upset me-- nobody would ever read this.
How much fan can a blog be with the insightful: "I love the sky. I love how how it is blue, it is such a calming colour. Not like the colour orange. I don't like the colour orange. I really don't see a use for such a colour. But I digress, because the sun is out, the sky is blue, and that makes me happy. Oh, so very happy."
Yeah. How many of you just puked during that shameless display of sappiness?
So obviously something is bothering me today. Something that normally shouldn't, except that it was said by a friend of mine. Apparently some people are left uncomfotable by my friendly nature. I met this friend through work, and she has since moved on in life, moving back home, and doing something else with her life. But her boyfriend remains here, and I still work with him.
This year I am working just about every home game for the Omaha Royals. (AJ, I'm sorry, but I have to do something this summer for make at least some money.) And so I see this friend's boyfriend everyday at the ballpark. So as I walk through the Administrative Offices to clock in, I pass his desk, and on my way by I say hello to him.
The message I got from my friend today was: "Leave my boyfriend alone."
OK. You're offended by me saying hello to him?
Apparently, yes. Because the boyfriend has not been formally introduced to me, it is somehow wrong of me to use his name in my greeting. He apparently is not comfortable with me walking by and saying hello. I was told it is an enfringement on his personal life-- which is "none of my damn business".
Ahh... a clue. Perhaps I crossed a line last week when I followed up my greeting with "How was your trip to New Orleans?" OK, it's a bit more of a personal question-- but it was a rhetorical question. It's not like I stopped and asked for every detail of the trip. I was passing by, and decided to change things up a bit. It gets stale to say 'hi' everytime by. If I wasn't supposed to know that he was in New Orleans, then why the hell did my friend tell me they went to New Orleans?
I'm told it was rude of me to ask such a personal question. No. What was rude of me was not stopping to hear the full answer. (The previous sentance defeats my friend's arguement that I am ALWAYS the victim.) Of course, I heard the brief answer before I got to the next door. No big deal.
So, my arguement is this: When is it ok for me to say hello? Am I seriously supposed to just walk through the office and ignore anyone in the building I have not been introduced to?
I waived at the mailman today-- and he waived back. Then it hit me: I don't believe I have been formally introduced to the mailman. I should probably take back my non-verbal greeting for him, because he might think I'm just this rude motherfucker who has no business saying hello to him in an way. Or perhaps I should go jump infront of his jeep, force him to stop so I can appologize for the rudeness of my greeting and introduce myself.
I should also stop posting on Vent's blog, because I have only met him through my blog. We've never shook hands, and so I guess I have to reconsider how I act when he is around.
The fact that this friend of mine is attempting to dictate who I can talk to is head-scratcher. I mean, a couple weeks ago she was telling me that I need to get out more. That I need some guy friends that I hang out with, and that I should be happy being a single guy. In fact, she has gone as far as attempting to ground me from dating or pursuing women. I guess this is all part of her master plan. I shouldn't be friendly to people who I don't know.
If I can't say hello to somebody without being formally introduced, how am I supposed to meet new people? If I just brush past people without a word, they are going to think I'm just this selfish bastard. That ought to go over well.
I'm trying to think back to if I was formally introduced to this friend. I don't remember it if it happened. Though, I do remember meeting her boyfriend at the movie theatre last summer. And I do believe I was introduced to him.
Come to think of it, I randomly met Amanda, and was never introduced to her. Now, another friend did try to point me out to her-- but I was 200 feet away, and Amanda admits she couldn't see me because she wasn't wearing her glasses. Does that mean that I was rude to find her online and start a friendship with her? I can think of several other people I am friends with whom I was never formally introduced to.
You know, I take a lot of shit for being a nice guy. I mean, women have told me they won't date me because I'm too nice. But, I've never been told I'm rude because I'm too nice. Well... until today.
posted by Sam @ 3:38 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
You deleted her earlier post?
I realize there are three sides to every story, but dude! Don't go off on someone in your blog and then delete their response when it doesn't agree with your point. Step up!
I had deleted her previous post for the same reason I am deleting her second post.
1. If you notice, in my blog, I provided her the respect of anonymity-- nobody had to know it was her... which falls into line with one of the points of my arguement-- that she has disclosed more details than she needed to. IF she wants everyone to know where she was, what she was doing-- that of course was her post, but in her conversation with me away from this board, the concern was raised over "personal details".
2. This is my blog, and my domain... and my domain is a dictatorship. I hold the decision of what is posted and what isn't. I could take staps, like other blogs have, where the blogger must approve postings before they go up. I hope it does not have to get to that. However, I will not permit attacks on the character of the people who post here. I let it go once a couple months ago, and I appologize to that friend for letting it go then, but this is a place to express ideas and opinions-- not throw stones.
Feel free to post, express your opinions, but please do so respectfully. Not just to me, but to everyone else who reads or posts here. I will not let this place turn into a place where people are called out by name.
The friend who has had her comments removed from here is certainly entitled to express her opinions here, and I understand her view of the events is different from mine, but the lack of respect that is being shown is unacceptable. As I mentioned before, I had enough respect not to call her out by name. I merely posted my thoughts on the entire situation, and wondered how others might view the situation.
She's right, I don't know her boyfriend on a personal level. And she is right that she might see things differently. But, it is irrelevant. There is a right way and a wrong way to go about dealing with it.
First of all, it's not her fight. If her boyfriend had a problem with me knowing where they were-- then he could have respectfully approached me and asked how I knew about it, and also expressed his concern that he'd appreciate me not talking about it.
As it was, he did not... and it did not matter, as my inquisition (as it were) was just a passing comment of which I really had no interest, but something I said because saying just "hello" can get stale over the course of 77 games. Instead, he opted to send his girlfriend after me. It was not her problem, unless you believe that her disclosure of the detail inquestion was the instigating factor in this event. In which case, the issue is between them, not me. If you have a problem with someone, deal with it yourself-- don't send a third party in to do your dirty work.
Also, if I permit her post to exist on this blog, then I will have to answer the claims she has made in her post. It's not appropriate to do so here. I feel that my response will recirocate the disrespect she has shown here, and I choose to take no part in such antics. I walked away-- I laughed it off.
Translation: I can't say anything nice in response... anything I might say would probably be hurtful to her, and so out of a show of respect for her, I am not going to say what is on my mind.
In summary please remember the following:
1. You are free to post here, but do so tastefully. I would prefer to not have to censor anything here, it is not my nature, but sometimes it must be done.
2. Exchange ideas and opinions all you want, but do not challenge the charatcer of anybody who posts or reads. If you have a personal indifference with someone, keep it between the two of you. My post was simply me expressing my opinion about a friend in general. I was not specific about who it was-- and that makes a world of difference.
3. This is a place of betterment. If people agree with the ideas expressed here, the support grows and spreads. If people disagree with an idea here, then the idea dies with justification. It is through discussion and the exchange of ideas that we gain knowledge and continue to grow as people.
4. It may be wishful thinking, but as you post I hope that people practice cognative complexity. Try to think of the other views. If you read my entire entry, you will see that I did express that I may have been in the wrong-- though I do not understand how. When you post here, know that others may not disagree and be open to their ideas.
5. Method is everything. You can make a great post, have a great idea, but if you go about it wrong, the effect is null.
Ok, you know, I've no interest in getting into the middle of your spat. I mean, I just wandered in here by accident right? However (!!!!) its hard not to say something, so in the interests of posting my respectful opinion, here goes.
1) Yes, you provided her with the respect of anonymity. She decided she didn't care. If she is willing to forgo anonymity, I fail to see how you're the bettter man for deleting her post? Or do you feel she needs to be protected from herself? Again, if you're in the right, what do you have to fear from her side of the story?
2) Hmmm...ok. So your blog is your dictatorship. I appreciate the fact that I don't have to be part of your inner circle just to post. However (again, !!!!!) you DID ask for feedback. If all you want is people to prop you up, then say so. If you want honest feedback, don't start censoring people's commentary just because it doesn't jive with what you want to hear. It's one thing to delete posts that are obvious spam, and if she'd been hawking www.bonemenow.com, I'd be in full support. But you've effectively censored her. And for what purpose? To make your own argument stronger? Hmmm...
3) You say you will not permit attacks on the character of the people who post here. But all she seemed to be doing was clarifying her side of the story! I could easily make the argument that your initial post was an attack on her character (you all but called her an unreasonable nutbag). So who are you defending here? You justify your actions by saying, "but I didn't name names!" But its no less an attack, especially if she is a regular visitor here. (Wait, does that mean you've broken one of your own rules?)
4) If you felt strongly enough about her comments to delete her post, why are you reposting them in your own words?
5) The issue may have been between them, but you injected yourself into it. So now it's between you and her. And your response is to delete her comments and claim victory. Nice.
6) I could respect the whole "if you can't say something nice..." bit if it wasn't so hypocritical in this case. But if that's the high horse you are going to use to justify your editorial license, I suggest you delete this entire entry in your blog. Three-legged horses don't offer much support.
7) Congnitive complexity, eh? Now how are we supposed to consider other views when obviously the only view that's allowed here is your own? I'll be the first person to say there are three sides to every story, but for someone who proposes his audience should be open minded, you don't seem to be setting a good example.
Tom, thanks for posting...
You are correct in saying that she waived the courtesy of anonymity. However, I did provide a second reason for my actions.
Considering her complaint about me saying hi to her boyfriend is somehow a violation of her personal life, there is absolutely no reason for her to being posting details about my personal life. Making matters worse, those details were not in the context of this disagreement.
Furthermore, the context in which her comments about me were made makes a large difference. There is no question who her comments were directed at. And it was a blatant and uncalled for attack on me.
Until she broke the shoud of anonymity my comments were made about a friend, in general. Those comments could have been about anyone.
Had I said, "Jane Doe is a (whatever)." Then, yes, I opened the door and you would have every right to call me a hipocrite.
As far as the dictatorship is concerned... I am not silencing the voices of opposition. But I did have to censor out posting of less than appropriate nature. If I was a hardline dictator, your posts would cease to exist. I actually encourage people to disagree with me-- why? Because you might just know something that I don't... and what you know might be enough for me to change the view I have on an issue.
I did not interject myself into this situation. I am just a pawn. As I said, if her boyfriend had an issue with me knowing they went to New Orleans, he could have come to me respectfully and said something. Instead, he sent someone else after me. And if he had a problem with me finding out-- then he needs to go to the source of the problem. Who was the breakdown in the system?
Again, I don't see how I erred in the first place. Though, I do see that I may have made matters worse by voicing my opinion in a public place. Oh well, I spoke my mind-- isn't that what my blog is for?
While my friend has pointed out that I don't know her boyfriend, I could make the arguement that she doesn't seem to know me very well either. It's another hipocrisy in the system.
The question I really have to ask is this-- is this a case of trickle-down theory? Did she vent on me because she got into a fight with her boyfriend over what she told me? I certainly hope that is not the case. And I suspect it is not the case. They do not seem like that type of people-- but then again, I don't really know them well enough to make that assessment.
This entire entry is about cognitive complexity. Yeah, I posted about a situation I faced, and my view of the situation. And I fully expected that there would be conversation over what others think of the situation. Going into this, I wondered if maybe I was in the minority line of thought. I didn't think I crossed a line, but others could have thought so.
And so in closing, Tom, I ask you this: Did I cross a line by asking a coworker how his trip to New Orleans was?
First, to answer your question, it's up to interpretation. Apparently so, in this case. While one person might not care, apparently this guy did. This in turn has come around to bite you in the ass. People are funny that way.
Of course, from the sound of it, you caused the problem to escalate out of control. When told "My boyfriend doesn't know you -- don't ask him personal questions," the correct answer is, "Oh. I didn't realize. Sorry about that." You, OTOH, seem to have gone off on a tear with your "nice guys go to Abu Ghraib" rant. If you have to throw yourself in front of a bus to prove a point, you need to be sure its worth proving. Given the tone of your friend's response, I'm guessing your bridge is on fire.
And you DID interject yourself. Do you say more than "hi" to this guy on any given day? Has he ever volunteered any info you might consider personal to you? If not, then I can see why he might have been taken aback by your forwardness. You can't rightly call yourself a pawn, because you aren't being forced to do anything outside your control. You haven't been used. But imagine it feels good to color yourself as a pawn. Not that it makes the cross on your back any lighter, but whatever.
Instead of focusing on cognitive complexity, I would recommend taking a slight detour through Emotional Intelligence. http://www.eqi.org/ This isn't meant to single you out -- most people could use a refresher course. But a lack of this seems to be more at the center of this particular problem.
There was no opportunity for me apologize to her boyfriend, because I was confronted by her. He never voiced his concern to me-- he went through his girlfriend, who then went psycho on me.
I asked for clarification and was told I was rude. I can't apologize if I don't know what I'm apologizing for, or don't believe I was in the wrong.
I don't deny that I still have some growing up to do-- especially when it comes to emotional control. But I don't fly off the handle because someone asks me (or my girlfriend) how a trip was.
It was a general question-- an icebreaker, if you will. And certainly not worth having a friend blow a gasket-- call me rude, spineless, and then have that friend flood my blog with her misconceptions about me.
Again, the overall purpose of my post was to describe a situation that I found so unbelievable that it became comical to me, but also to find out if maybe my ideals of appropriate behavior differ from the majority. If asking how their trip was, was inappropriate, and there were a flood of people on here telling me that I crossed the line by asking that-- then I would certainly have taken a step back, looked at my morals, and considered changing my ways.
As it is, the people I have heard from (some through personal conversations) have not expressed to me that I was out of line.
My friend over-reacted to the initial exchange. And of course my post can be seen as an over-reaction by me. But I did so for my own benefit-- if I need to make a change in my ways, then I need to know about it... and not base it on the off-the-handle remarks of one person.
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