Allow Myself to Introduce Myself

From the same people who built a bridge to nowhere (I-480 and Dodge/30th), and used to have the only interchange where you actually had to exit to stay on the same road (I-80 at the I-480/US-75 exchange) comes a real doozy. Or is that snoozy?

In all of it's infinite wisdom, the City of Omaha is buying new manhole covers which now resemble the Omaha City seal. The design isbacked by the Omaha Chamber of Commerce in effort to sell people on the city of Omaha. It is all part of a push to bring more people to Omaha.

So, let me get this straight. To bring more people, and more money into Omaha, we are doing something that might (and I can't stress might enough) get the attention of a few casual walkers in the Old Market? Am I missing something? Shouldn't we be trying to bring people to Omaha from outside the city?

I'm not talking about me-- living all of 25 feet from city limits. I'm talking people from Sioux City, Kansas City, Denver, Des Moines, Chicago, Minneapolis. Shouldn't they be our target audience?

Surely we could have thought of more obvious marketing campaigns. Ones placed outside of city limits, where people who aren't normally in Omaha might see them.

Think: Wall Drug. Where do you start seeing signs for Wall, South Dakota? I know they are prevalent throughout Minnesota, but I wouldn't be totally shocked to find out there are a few in Wisconsin.

And it works. I can remember my father saying he'd be damned if we were going to stop in a tourist trap, like Wall. But by the time you get there, and you realize there isn't much else around-- you stop. Wall Drug built itself on free water. Everyone else in Wall (and the surrounding area) offered free water, but Wall Drug advertised it.

This is as bad of an idea as when 'O!' replaced the (very) brief slogan: 'Omaha: Rare, Well Done'. About three years ago, the city started painting red 'O!'s on the streets. I can only remember where one of them was (72nd and Dodge), but I can also tell you I have no idea if it's still there. Like the manholes, most of us around here drive too fast to notice or care they exist.

So apparently people are supposed to come to Omaha to come see the fancy new manhole covers-- all of them with the city seal on them. Thanks, I'll pass.

But I do have an idea. There is a way to turn manhole covers into a tourism draw. Right now the U.S. Treasury and U.S. Mint are pumping out state quaters. Perhaps if Omaha were to make manhole covers in the designs of the back (tails side) of the quarters, people might come to check it out. You don't even have to stop there-- do this with all coins... maybe even international coins. You know people would come to check that out. Heck, they'd probably even try to steal them. And when they try to steal them, you throw the book at them-- huge fines, money that goes to the city. You're spending money to make money.

That is rare, and well done. You see, you have to think these things through.

It's Just a Car

When did owning a car become similar to being a card-carrying member of a political party?

Seriously, why do I have to drive down the road to see Calvin pissing on a Ford emblem, a Dodge emblem, and a Chevrolet emblem in a span of two and a half blocks? (Actually, he was squatting on the Ford emblem, but still....) Clearly not all of you work for one of the major American car manufacturers... so what is the deal?

Do I have to declare myself as an Independant in the world of automobiles? Or does the fact that I drive a Plymouth make me a target regardless of what I really think of this trichotomy? The way some of you drive, it is hard to tell.

Am I naive to think this is just some macho red-neck circle jerk-- excuse me, NASCAR rivalry thing, or do you honestly all think one type of the car is the be-all, end-all of automobiles?

To be truthfully honest with you, I don't see the point-- kinda like NAPCAR (no, that's not a typo). A car is a car, whether it be the 1983 Ford LTD I inherited from my grandfather, my brother's old 1986 GMC Suburban (which he got from my other grandfather), or the 1997 Plymouth Breeze I drive now. Oh my God... Bless me father, for I have sinned-- I've driven cars made by all three American car manufacturers... I've also driven my mother's Nissan Sentra.

Surely, I'm going to hell for this. But I don't care. A car is a car. It has one purpose-- to get me from Point 'A' to Point 'B'. I don't care much for speed, nor do I care for sound, and does it really matter what a car looks like?

Some of you with dented bumpers, and primer showing should think before you answer that. You're no cooler for have car scars, a subwoofer that rattles the garage door open, tinted windows, lack a muffler because 'it sounds really cool to have a loud car', or rule because you drive a certain make of car.

You're all strutting, which means you making up for the lack of something else.

So seriously, let Calvin relieve himself in a more appropriate place-- I suggest the comic strip bathroom. Besides, if you really want to grind someone's gears, mention the imports.

It's funny... you never see Calvin draining it on a BMW badge.

Street Signs, Street Sense, Street Smarts, and Street Sweepers

It has been almost a month since I last blogged, and I hope you all understand April is a busy month. This is the first blog from 'the real world'... sort of. I've graduated, but I'm still looking for work. Perhaps my op-ed skills will land me a job somewhere.

Thank you to those of you who came up to visit and celebrate this weekend. I hope the directions were good. Giving directions is somewhat of an artform in Omaha. I can see Julia Sweeney giving directions to my house: "you're looking for the intersection of Burdette and 151st Streets, you'll tunr right from 156th Street onto Burdette, go to the stop sign, then procede ahead, you'll come across a sign that says '151st Avenue', that's not you street, you want to go past that, past 151st Circle, beyond 151st Street Avenue Circle, to the fourth street sign that says '151st', that's your street."

Seriously, who named these streets? Perhaps a suggestion, it's the digital age... let's go with 151st Street, 151.1 Circle, 151.2 Drive, and 151.3 Avenue. Something distinguishing, please.

Of course, none if this suprises me, considering you need a dunebuggy to get near my house. You see, in their infinite wisdom, Douglas County has major issues with winter weather-- the least of which is an inability to put their plows to the pavement (see previous blog entry: Snow Emergency or Snow Panic?)-- has used sand to help those cars who got stuck back in February. Beyond the fact that it took them three days to send a plow through the neighbourhood-- and I understand they had better things to do like firing plow drivers for helping people get to their doctor's appointments-- and even then they only made a 12-foot pile of snow at the top of the hill I live on, it appears to me they haven't a clue of how to deal with winter weather... like it is some rare freaky-nature-y thingy, that NEVER happens.

Now it's been explained to me that growing up in suburban Chicago, I grew up on a priority street. I don't know how, it was a street that went about 5 blocks-- started at Burger King, crossed the train tracks next to the train station, and ended at the school. There were definately more-travelled roads. But even in that situation, you'd thing Omaha, Douglas County, and the State of Nebraska would know what a priority street is. Here's a hint, pretty much every neighbourhood has a thru-street... clear those, and at least give us some hope of getting in or out of our houses. Seriously, Douglas County is only about 360-square miles... half of which is Omaha proper. It's not that much ground to cover, considering much of it is rural.

But my favourite part of this, is the fact that sand is the preferred method of removing stuck cars. Now, the local Maaco and body shop owners are going to love me for this, but perhaps it's time to make the full switch to salt. Here's why: generally speaking the first quarter-inch of snow melts when it hits the pavement, because the earth is warmer than the air around it-- simple geology, happens to be true. If you start laying down salt when it starts to snow, you're going to keep about quarter- to half-inch of snow from accumulating on the pavement. You see, the salt actually melts snow and ice... sand just sits there. It does nothing!

So, why am I bringing this up in May? Because it's May, and if you've driven near my house recently you'll see the nice piles of sand at that bottom of the hill I live on. Yes, that's the sand they threw in front of cars to help them get up the hill. It didn't work. Cars were still stuck, and the plows then complained that they couldn't get through because of stuck cars.

Just a thought: do your job right in the first place, and some of us could have made it to our driveways!

Here is the beauty of using salt instead of sand. When the salt has melted as much snowand ice as it can... it evaporates, it's gone, nowhere to be seen. As opposed to the sand, which continues to exist. You see, in Omaha, we tend to get frog-choking storms-- torrential downpours, to the point I can look out my window and see white-water rapids as the rain rushes down the street across the potholes. The end result of this biblical tide, is that all the sand that was left in the street has been taken with the tide down the hill to a basin at the bottom of the the hill-- where a couple busy intersections exist. It is not a comforting feeling to be driving down hill, have to weave around parked cars, and then risk sliding through an intersection because my tires are on sand. My brakes should not be locking up at the blistering speed of 25 miles per hour.

Another suggestion: invest in some street sweepers. Oh, I know-- who the hell am I, coming from Illinois, to make all these outlandish suggestions!? Perhaps I'm someone with a brain, with an understanding of what reality is like. I have now concepts, and ideas that frighten Nebraskans, but make sense to Iowegians and anyone else with the god-given ability to think.

But really, once every couple weeks, send out some street sweepers-- it will make the city look so much cleaner. I'd settle for once a month.

OK, someone is going to say it: 'all these suggestions, they cost money you know.' Yeah, I know. But think of it this way. If I'm not repairing my car from having rocks shot through the windshield, or having dents pounded out from sliding on sand into another car-- I have more money to pay taxes. And if I'm going to the body shop to get my car rust-proofed, the body shop is going realize how great for business it is that the city/county/state is throwing down sand. They're going to encourage it! They might even help you pay for some of it... and you can tax their income!

But if you REALLY want to be thrifty... send the sweepers out there to pick up the sand at the bottom of the street, then throw it back on the pile to use next winter. Just get it off the streets in the summer.

As always, I'm here to help.