Who Will Save My Soul?

First of all, I hope everyone had a happy Easter-- or whatever holiday you may be celebrating in the vicinity of days we currently are living.

I realize it has been quite some time since I really ripped into a topic. Looking back on some of my first blogs, there were some classics. I can't promise a profanity-laced tirade of old, but I'm looking to get back into form.

With that in mind, I think it's time for me to find a new parish. Due to schedule constraints, I am not a weekly participant at church-- though I find other ways to worship. Seriously, I have found peace with alternative worship (not to say I'm worshiping potatoes, but more some other form of worship than weekly mass). It goes back to my days in junior hockey, when Saturday night and Sunday morning, you often find yourself at an ice rink or on a bus. I still frequently find myself at the ice rink when the Catholics celebrate, so I'm not making excuses, but rather explaining where I am at in terms of Christian worship.

Moving on... those rare occaisions when I find myself in the physical church building, I realize that it is time for me to find somewhere else to worship. More or less, the fact that I can't go five minutes without not understanding something the people of my parish do should be cause enough. As it is, it leaves me an open door to find the situation somewhat humourous.

I happen to belong to one of the richest parishes in the Omaha Archdiocese, which is an uncomfortable feeling. To start, I feel like a peasant... and wouldn't you, if you worshiped in a place dubbed the 'Taj Mahal of West Omaha'?

Before mass starts, they have us greet our neighbours with a handshake. I'm already having my doubts about this day. Church is not a place to socialize-- it's a place of worship. You want to socialize? Wait for Bingo Night. Besides, isn't this flu season? I know strep throat is making it's way around town-- perhaps we should think better of this. I know I'll have to take my chances later on in mass... but I can do without a morning greeting. Besides, I'm not used to being up a 6:30am for a 7:30 mass... I think we're all still just a little tired.

Opening hymn... the priest and a deacon walk in... both wearing microphone headsets. I can hear Al Michaels in the press box saying: 'Your concelebrants for todays service are from the Big Ten Conference'. So you can imagine how hard it was for me to not crack up when the preists mic failed to work. Really, just speak loudly, and be heard. You don't need the mic.

Believe me, I know. I work in ice rinks-- lots of noise, terrible accoustics... and people can still hear me. Just lean back an give it all you got. Besides, I gave tours of the building just after it opened-- we all raved about the acoustics of the building. But if you want to be sure, perhaps we should start building churches like the Mormon Tabernacle. Ever been there? Great acoustics-- you can hear a pin drop... and they'll be glad to demonstrate.

While we're talking about referees... when did every hymn and reading become open to interpretive dance? I don't need inflection, we've all read the passage before, we know the song-- you're just a little too into this, right now. You're not there to be a spectacle, and the only person who should be interpreting the passages is the man who gets paid to do so-- the priest. Let him do his job.

Speaking of getting paid... don't priests take a vow of poverty? Just one more reason to do away with those microphones. Really, it's a luxury we could do without. I think my offeratory could be much better spent-- repairs to the building, perhaps a real charity, or a poorer congregation could use the funds. Here we are with state-of-the-art technology is this very nice building... but growing up my dad and I remember our parish wasn't able to pay to heat the building in the winter. Just something to think about.

Keeping with the football theme... I walked by a full-emersion baptismal font on the way in. Surely in the interest of bringing in more money into the church, perhaps we should begin selling hot tub seats for mass. Might work.

That reminds me... what is up with people saving seats. The people across the aisle from me chased off three other families to save their seats. Wait a minute, I got up early to make sure I got a seat. When your family gets here, I want to see their ticket stubs. There is no reason to save seats in church. If you're there, you're there. If you're not, you're not. And nobody needs that much personal space.

I sat through a homily (sermon) trashing any and all other religions-- how PC of them I thought, as I realized what a load of bull the homily was. At the present time, perhaps starting crusades is not something we want to do... our government has that handled pretty well, thank you. Let's be a bit more open-minded here.

Here's something I think is wrong on several levels. During the offeratory, the priest grabs a basket, sits in front of the altar and hugs the children who bring money to him.

Where, or where do I begin on this one? I'm not much for children being in church-- especially now that their parents allow them to bring toys with them. Babies, I understand... but whatever happened to Sunday School? Surely these children are not comprehending the sermon. Is there really a point for them to be there? I don't think so. Besides, is it really wise for a priest-- in the current climate-- to have contact with these children. I think it's part of the problem. Let's help them out a bit-- don't put them in that situation. It's lose-lose.

Then there is communion. Apparently the Archdiocese is mandating that everyone bow before receiving communion. Can anybody confirm that for me? As it is, I'm waiting for Vatican III to make that one official. I don't see how bowing before communion makes me any more penitent. It's kinda like how my dad said the church has wavered on blessing yourself after recieving communion. My dad was taught yes, his brothers taught no, and I was taught yes-- I guess it's just personal preference. Still, I'm not bowing... my body is not as limber as it used to be... I don't care to throw my back out for the sake of making the Archbishop happy.

That said, I'm waiting for everything to shut down because I refuse to do this. Come on, someone in this rich parish is bound to throw a fit over it-- which makes me wonder how guests would be accepted at church. It would be great, communion lines come to a standstill as they wait for me to bow. Panic, chaos, and disorder... my work here is done.

But what bothers me more than anything else... is what happens post-mass. People applauding in church. It's not a concert. The choir and their dances do not need to be encouraged-- but if you really want to show your approval, take the time to walk up to them to tell them how great they sounded. Really, that gesture means more than generic (and inapropriate) applause. Besides, it will help thin out the traffic jam out in the parking lot-- people arriving before we have a chance to leave. Makes me yearn for the days of my youth when I used to walk to church.

So there it is... my little rant about going to church. I know, I'm going to hell for this-- and so is anyone who laughed.

But seriously, can anyone recommend their parish for worship?