I'm Blind, I'm Deaf...

... I wanna be a Ref!

(Alternate Title: That Deaf, Dumb, and Blind Kid Sure Calls a Mean Offsides)

OK, this has nothing to do with how I blew a call, but it does have to do with a game I called this weekend. This one was a no-brainer. (Even Tarzan/96 could figure this one out)

I moonlight as a referee in a men's league-- basically, I'm there to stay in shape, and earn a few extra bucks. It gives me something to do during the offseason-- when I frequently work youth, high school, and even college hockey games.

Just to set the situation, I normally don't work beginner games-- they usually reserve me for the non-beginner games, they don't have many experienced officials for this league, so the guys who are learning the ropes, and paying off league debts get the beginner games. This week, the two non-beginner games were the late games. Apparently, a couple players in the last game thought it would be fun to go get 'faced before the game, then play.

So the games starts, and I can tell a couple of these guys ain't right. One was a former high-school teammate of mine. The other, a know-nothing blowhard, who thinks he's hot shit, and really doesn't care for my abilities as an official. He ranks just above Tarzan on my list of favourite people.

After the first shift, I approached my former teammate, told him I didn't think it was the best idea for him to be playing while drunk. He agreed, and sat down on the bench. I hadn't noticed his teammate, who was just a drunk. But when I caught a whiff of him from a range of about 12-feet, I knew we had to get him off the ice.

But I got smart.

I didn't appraoch him-- I prefer not to deal with his type. I sent another member of the officiating crew-- who happened to be the league commissioner, and less tolerant of bullshit than I am. I swear, I thought the drunk was going to swing at him. We sent him off. But we weren't done with him.

He naturally took up residence in the stands, and continued a verbal assault on us. I ignored him-- we knew he was drunk, I knew he was just being himself, and he was no threat to anyone as long as he was sitting.

But after the game, he started stalking me in the parking lot. And I knew he was waiting for me. So, I just walked right by him, and as he showered me with praises (read: obscenities), I continued walking.

I stopped among some friends in the parking lot, as is customary following games. I figured I had some sanctuary among the group. So, I didn't mind when he started yelling at me from across the table. His ranting did not go over well with the group, but he finally got an answer out of me.

His question: "Why do you have to be such an asshole?"

My answer: "You get shitfaced, and go play hockey... and I'm the asshole? No. You were not only a danger to yourself, but everybody else on the ice, and my official's insurance does not cover your drunk ass."

I figured throwing out rules citations would get me nowhere with him. And yes, there is a rule prohibiting the use of alcohol (and tobacco) at the ice rink.

But I don't get it. Why do people think I'm a ref to be a badass? I'm not. I'd much rather just go out, skate for an hour, and be done with it. I don't want to have to call penalties, or sort out fights. But there is a reason I'm there.

So the next time you are at a sporting event, just remember, the officials are there for safety and rule interpretation.

Just don't remind me of this the next time I go off on a CCHA official.