Originality: The Lost Art

I have to ask-- what the hell has happened to originality? Why am I flipping through TV channels only to see the same show under 3 different names? Why am I looking for a good date movie, only to find movies I didn't want to see in their original release? And why are these so-called big star singers sampling songs, or making their own versions? And why do we classify sports players into forms? I just have to ask-- is nothing unique any more?

Television-- what the hell? Do we need more than one American Idol? Hell, we don't even need one. If these people had talent, they should be able to go straight into an office in Los Angeles, sing, and have a record deal. Nothing good has come from American Idol-- it jumpstarted Ryan Seacrest's career, it has given a platform for Kelly Clarkson to wear clothing that exposes most of her flat chest, it resulted in a record deal for William Hung (and I want an explanation for that one-- how the hell does that no talent hack get a record deal? Did it end up on the comedy racks?), and it has now gotten to the point where a no-talent, ex-convict has tarnished the name of an '80s sex icon. But that's not the end of it. We also have Nashville Star, and Fame and Fourtune on the local Omaha level.

And it's not just so-called reality TV like American Idol, Survivor, and Big Brother. Anybody remember the early '90s? In the same season we have ER and Chicago Hope. I mean, come 'on people, would is have been so hard to place one of those shows in another city? Why not St. Louis Hope? And there will only be one true CSI, and one true Law and Order. That said, I am also tired of seeing Law and Order on 12 different channels, all at the same time. We know you are trying to move off of the constant M*A*S*H reruns, but please, air something else (the worst part of it is, my mother spends 23 hours of the day watching said re-airings of Law and Order... and I'm sure she can recite all of them verbatum. I'm plastered when she claims to have never seen this episode-- OK, mom... I'll call the home.)

And you can all fuck right off with the Real Gilligan's Island. Stop bastardizing decent television shows! The show ran its course, and we knew it wasn't real, and that it wouldn't last forever. But thanks to syndication, we can continue to watch. That said-- we need TV Land to star showing more than Bonanza, Gunsmoke, and other Westerns? What happened to St. Elsewhere? and Hill Street Blues? and WKRP in Cincinnati, or even the Greatest American Hero for my brother. How about some cult favourites? Due South or Sportsnight, anyone?

Also-- stop broadcasting your softcore porn. Personal lives are just that, personal. We don't need to see a ditzy blonde fucking 15 guys and deciding which one is the best lay. Nor do we need to see the no-talent brother of a drama star, or the fourth-string quarterback of the New York Giants trying to kiss as many women as possible. All of your shows, the Bachelor, the Bacherlorette (again, no originality-- you're not fooling anyone), Fifth Wheel, Dream Date-- television has glorified prostitution. It's illegal you morons! And I hope some over-the-top, middle-aged, housewife with nothing better to do than bitch because she's afraid her unsupervised (unsupervised because she's busy looking for a quick fix for money) children might stumble across one of these shows takes you to court for it.

Movies-- Amityville Horror... need I say more? Didn't see it the first time, not going to watch it this time.

Music-- OK, we know Jessica Simspon is a very good-looking woman, but lets let her write her own music. I don't want to hear her singing songs by Berlin. A side note-- message for Jessica's sister Ashlie-- you can't sing, you need to pick a hair colour, and STOP LIVING OF YOUR SISTER'S POPULARITY. Some people were meant for stardom, others weren't. Ashlie, you weren't. I also do want to hear Eminem ruin anymore good songs. Sampling Martika's "Toy Soldiers"-- that was a great song til your filthy convicted hands got on it. Jessica Simpson did it too-- she stole John Cougar's "Jack and Diane". And don't think Canadian's are safe for a minute-- Snow, you piece of shit anal-rapist, did you not learn anything from Vanilla Ice pretending to be black (and cool for that matter).

OK, there are a set of people who are safe from my rampage. Anyone who remixes a Crowded House song. Don't get me wrong-- Crowded House have some great songs, for other people to sing. Sixpence None the Richer greatly improved "Don't Dream (It's Over)"... and for those of you who have never hear Jesse Cook's version of "Fall At Your Feet", they make you want to forget that Crowded House ever existed.

But I will give credit where credit is due. I have fallen in love with a voice, and it took a remake of a solid Roxette song to do it. Edmee Daenen (lead vocals of Belgian group Danger Hardcore Team-- better known simply as DHT), you are a sweetheart. If you have not heard DHT's remake of "Listen To Your Heart", you are missing out. The single version of the remake ups the ante for the song, but to truly appreciate the song and Edmee's talents, you must track down Edmee's accoustic version. She sings it the way it was meant to be-- by a sweet, innocent, soulful young woman (who is just so cute), not by a butch, gap-toothed, lesbian from Sweden.

Edmee has the best singing voice I have ever heard. One of those voices that just makes you melt everytime you hear it. I don't think there will ever be a time that I wouldn't want to hear that voice. Amy Lee has a set of lungs, and there are not many who can match the soul of Rick Astley's voice. But, Edmee you have them trumped-- I must have you.

If you can improve the song, please do so. But unless you have that talent, do something we can't compare you to. For fuck's sakes, I will never forgive Madonna for ruining "American Pie".

Sports-- Now we have just gone overboard. Butterfly goaltenders in hockey, "Slap" hitters in baseball, and option quaterbacks. What ever happened to improvisation?

Goaltenders, just stop the puck-- who cares how you look in doing so. I loved Hasek when he was a Blackhawks-- he was a novelty. Now, I hate it. He's probably more lucky than anything else, but all the kids want to be like him. As a coach, I hate that. Like I said... lucky. How about making the save, and being in position for the rebound. I'm not saying you have to have a stand-up form, or even a butterfly form-- but some form would be nice.

And quarterbacks, every play should be the option. But not in the Nebraska sense. Drop back to pass, and if the recievers aren't open, you have be able to pull the ball down and run-- not scramble... run. Or maybe pitch it like a rigby player. Put first things first, know how to throw the football-- if you can't throw the ball down field, you have no business play the quarterback position. Jamal Lord, Eric Crouch, Scott Frost, I doubt any of you could throw the ball more than 15 yards beyond the line of scrimmage-- and hence, you don't play QB in the NFL. And a sidenote for that Eric "Crotch"-- you're a crybaby, and you never deserved the Heisman (but at least it means you will be a colossal failure at the NFL level). Stop sniffin the genitalia of your teammates, keep yours in your pants, and go back under to the rock your crawled out from (for those of you who are stickler's for the Queen's preferred English: go back, thee, from wence thou came).

And baseball... does everyone have to swing for the fences, or be labled a slap hitter? And why do we all look like robots on the mound? I want to see more guys pitching like Dontrelle Willis and Paul Byrd. Willis, has a high leg kick that reminds you vaguely of Juan Marichal (if only he straightened his leg out, so his ankle came up above his head). And Byrdie, if the only pitcher who still uses a free-wheeling wind up. He is a throwback, and it would make Bob Feller and Warren Spahn proud. You get a little bit of Luis Tiant in Kevin Brown and Hideo Nomo turning their backs to the hitter. David Cone would occaisionally break it out, too. But nobody will ever do it like Tiant.

And what about hitters? Some teams actually have a mandated look-- either uniform, or their stance at the plate. We are not all alike. Why can't a young speedster in the minors hold hit bas parallel to the ground like Rod Carew? Or how about letting a player stand like Stan Musial, who used to give the impression he was looking around the corner at the pitcher?

While we're at it, enfore the rules you have-- making left-handed pitchers step TOWARDS first on a pick off (none of this 45 degree bullshit). But bring back the spitter, let the pitchers scuff the ball, and it a pitcher's arm can take it, let them have that hesitation like Satchel Paige, who would just totally stop his momentum for a moment, then finish the delivery. You don't need high scores to keep the fans happy. I'd love to see more 1-0 pitcher's duels.

Last thing, pickoff throws are redundant and boring. You want to be original-- get the ball and throw it. Mark Buehrle and Greg Maddux work quickly, but not as quick as Dizzy Dean. I swear, Dizzy's catching the ball from the catcher was part of his windup (talk about rhythm)-- you couldn't time that as a hitter or a baserunner. He got the ball, and got rid of it.

People have become zombies. Everyone wants to be uniform, and it sucks. It's boring. Show some originality, spice up the world. Don't be afraid to go back to an older time, but also don't be afraid to revolutionize and start a new trend.

Always remember, you're unique-- just like everyone else.